And So It Begins....

Beginning the final journey:  

I'm really going to do this...I have thought about if for so long, then deluded myself into thinking I can do it myself, lost 30, gained 40...about four times...and I'm currently the fattest I have ever been. I'll share the actual numbers when I'm further on in the journey...right now it's just so humiliating that I've gotten to this point.

I just turned 59, and the weight is really affecting my quality of life. I hurt. My knees, ankles, feet, back...I just hurt all over. Chronically. My blood pressure is horrible. My cholesterol is high and my triglycerides are high. I've got metabolic syndrome and I'm insulin resistant, and just a few creme puffs away from full-blown diabetes. Physically, I'm just so damn uncomfortable. 

I have issues with food...serious issues. My mother put my sister and I on diets pre-puberty (neither one of us were overweight) and all of my memories of food as a child are of being shamed for eating. Mostly by my mother, who had issues of her own, but by my grandmother and extended family members to some extent as well. Later as a pre-adolescent and into my teens, my mother basically just checked out as a parent and I fended for myself mostly.

The most exciting thing for me about going to a friend's home or to my grandparents:

THEY HAD FOOD IN THE HOUSE! 

The most memorable part of my pre-teen and teen years living at home with my mother was that there was very rarely food in the house. My sister and I would raid the trunk of her car when she was sleeping, because she would usually have a cooler with delicious food in it...grapes, deli meats and cheeses, crackers, etc. that she would buy to share with one of her boyfriends. But she wouldn't buy groceries for my sister and I. Or toilet paper. I worked, assisting elderly people with their housekeeping and bathing, etc. so I earned enough money that I kept myself fed and had toilet paper (most of the time)...but to this day I feel an anxiety attack coming on if there aren't at least 12 extra rolls on hand at all times, and my cupboards and pantry are overflowing with food that we'll probably never eat.  At least my own kids never knew what it was like to have no food in the house. Not at my house, that is.

Anyway, I got married (at barely 16) to escape the wretched home life. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire...but that's a whole other story. The first time I went grocery shopping as a married girl I bought 2 big boxes of Captain Crunch cereal and ate it until the roof of my mouth was shredded. I wasn't the best cook at that age, but I made a mean hamburger helper. There are so many more stories I could tell, all which led me to where I am today. I really should write a book.  

I have and will continue to work through my myriad issues with a therapist, because I KNOW that bariatric surgery isn't the magical answer to my problems...but I also know that it's a VERY powerful tool that can help me finally reach my goals of being a normal weight and being able to wear EVERYTHING in my closet.

I've spent 5 decades of my life fighting this dragon. My physiology and metabolism is so messed up now that no matter what I do, my body fights to hold on to every ounce. I can lose some weight but I very quickly hit a standstill and no matter what I do, no more pounds will come off. I'm tired of living like this. So so tired. It's not living - it's just existing. I feel like I'm trapped inside this morbidly obese body and I want to be FREE of it and enjoy LIVING, before my life is over. 

So I'm pulling out the big guns...a tool that I've considered using before, but then told myself I could succeed without it. Obviously, I was wrong. I don't want to waste any more of my time fighting this on my own. I'm going to have a vertical sleeve gasterectomy. I haven't come to this decision lightly. Again, I know that it's NOT a magic, effortless solution to morbid obesity and that I will be eating mindfully and carefully for the rest of my life...but I will finally have the tool I need to be successful and wake up from this nightmare of being morbidly obese and not being able to fix it. The procedure has come a very long ways, and there are actual physiological changes the the surgery causes that will cause my body to quit fighting me and allow me to lose the excess weight and finally know what it is to be 'normal'.

I went to an introductory seminar at MultiCare Center for Weight Loss and Wellness on Nov 1, then had my first consultation with my surgeon, Dr. James Sebesta, on November 16. I simply ADORE him. A very dearest friend (we met years ago in Weight Watchers!) is doing this as well and we went together to both the seminar and the consultation...we're going to be sleeve twins, God and insurance willing. Nancy and I laugh a lot together, and we laughed a lot with Dr. Sebesta and his nurse. But we also had very serious discussions and questions about this journey we're embarking on together.

We go back on Nov 29 for an appointment with the nurse, then our first meeting with the nutritionist is right after Christmas. We have the same insurance, and we are required to do the 6 month medically supervised diet / nutritionist / psychologist / etc. in order to qualify and Dr. Sebesta told us our insurance is not fun to deal with...they will deny for the dumbest reasons. So there's something else to stress over. The earliest I'll be able to have the surgery is May 16, 2018.

One of the things Dr. Sebesta asked is "What do you most look forward to when you've lost the weight?  My list is so long, but here are just a few:

• No need for meds for high blood pressure (I currently take TWO)
• Being able to wear ALL the clothes I own
• Not being embarrassed to have a picture taken of myself
• I'll be able to wear that dress that has been in my closet for years 
• I'll be able to cross my legs 
• I won't always be the biggest person in the room
• I'll fit comfortably in any chair or seat 
• I'll be able to wrap a standard bath towel around my body 
• I won’t have to shop at plus size stores 
• I'll be able to easily sit in booths at restaurants 
• My joints won’t hurt at the end (or beginning!) of the day 
• I won't be the ‘fat’ member of my group of friends 
• Career opportunities may open up 

So here it is. I've put it out there now...I'm going to try to keep this blog up faithfully during this journey.