Instant Pot Egg Bites w/Sausage, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Mushrooms and Parmeson

Great Sous Vide Egg Recipe using the Instant Pot

                      Who needs Starbucks???

Beat 6 eggs

Cut up and saute one Aidell's
sausage, three sun dried tomatoes
3 mushrooms and 3 green onion

About 1/3 cup of shredded
Parmeson-Reggiano cheese (Costco)

About 3 TBL Mozzarella

Fold everything together

Spray mold with Pam then pour
egg mixture into mold and place in IP

Set IP for 7 min on
high pressure

When up to pressure,
set a timer for 17 minutes 

After they have cooked for 7 minutes
and released pressure for 10 minutes,
remove lid.   Voila!

Let cool for a few minutes, then
loosen them by pushing on bottom

Using a plate placed on top of the mold,
flip over, push on the mold a little to
make sure they are loosened

They're done!

  

Bon Appétit

 

10 Weeks Out

Tomorrow I have my two month follow-up at Multicare - though it will actually be 10 weeks.  I'm trying to not anticipate/expect any kind of number on the scale because I know if it's not what I'm expecting that I'll be disappointed.  I have to keep telling myself that as long as I'm heading in the right direction, I'm succeeding at this. If I could just believe it and not be comparing myself to people who are 20-30 years younger and losing at a much faster rate.  *sighs* 

My trend reports over the past month look alright. I'm averaging about 800 calories, 38 carbs and 94 protein per day.  That's right about where I want to be - I can't be extreme about calories or carbs if I want to succeed at this long-term.

My knees have been a real bitch...the left one has been wonky, so much so that I couldn't "flutter kick" with it in deep-water cardio, but then last Friday, the right one flared up so bad that I could barely walk.  Going up and down stairs was excruciating. Just bending it when I sat was nearly unbearable. I iced it all weekend and I even took ibuprofen a couple times to relieve the pain, though I know that I should NOT take it after having the sleeve. I was that desperate. 

I got in to see Brad, the physical therapist who fixed me 6-7 years ago. He is truly amazing and knows his stuff. He did a more thorough exam on my knees than the olympia orthopedist wackos ever did on me (I went three times to them!) and he is 99% sure that I have bilateral medial meniscus tears in BOTH knees. And the reason I've been in this back and forth endless loop for so long is that when one leg is flared up, I overcompensate with the other leg.  Then when the flare up ends, the leg I'd been overcompensating with flares up. It's been back and forth and back and forth for literally MONTHS...and I'm so very tired of it. It's wearing me down. Next step is to get MRI in both knees so we'll know exactly what I'm dealing with, and then to see an orthopedic specialist (in Tacoma!) to figure out my options.  I just know I can't go on like this. 

So about the deep water cardio...I have gone 4 times I think...then missed because of my knee flaring up. If I'm back from Tacoma in time I'll go tomorrow, and again on Saturday morning, then I'll be out of town and unable to do it again until the following Saturday. I'm planning to hire a personal trainer for at least a few sessions...to get my routine figured out.  I just hope that my knees will cooperate. I'm so very, very tired of being benched because of physical injuries.

Self-Discipline and Mindfulness

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. I tell myself that I'm going to be more consistent and blog at least once a week, and then I don't blog for over a month?? I want this to be a record of my journey, but if I don't post regularly, it's not much of a record. I WILL get more consistent with this and write at least once a week. Maybe on Sundays, and other days as well if I have something I want to write about. I just need to DO it rather than just thinking about it.  This is an important piece of this journey, as well as a good exercise in self-discipline and consistency.

I've made good progress...last time I got on the scale I was down a total of 78 lbs since starting this journey on January 1, 2018. I'll get on the scale again when I have my 2-month checkup on Thursday. Hopefully it will be a good visit. I'm really hesitant about anticipating a number on the scale, last time I did that I was disappointed.

Either way, things are happening. I'm culling through my clothes...weekly! It seems I'm at that between sizes stage most of the time. Something fits great...for about a week then it starts bagging and sagging. I've got a lot of clothes that don't fit yet, but they  will soon! I just hope I can get into one of my new swimsuits by the time the conference happens Oct 4th! 

Anyway, I'm learning every day about my new reality. About eating past that "full" signal and then being full of regrets as well as terribly uncomfortable. I'm learning about how much I'd made a habit of eating in bed, AFTER I go to bed. I'm learning how hard it is to break long-ingrained habits. I'm learning to eat in small bites and eat slowly, rather than wolfing down my food in record time. 

I have a Valley Athletic Club membership, thanks to Ken's employer! For FREE!  There is no way I'd ever be able to be a member of that exclusive gym, so this is such an amazing blessing! I've started doing deep-water cardio...that is REALLY a work out. I'm not very good at it yet...everyone else stays in one place during the moves, while yours truly is traveling all over the pool and trying not to bounce off anyone. Most everyone in the class are quite a bit older...and it is SO cool to see people at that age who are fit and healthy!  I think I'm going to hire a personal trainer for a few sessions...hopefully I'll learn some good exercises that will strengthen the muscles around my knees and help improve the pain.  I just can't believe how much my knees are torturing me...it makes it impossible to exercise the way I'd like to. I just have to keep pressing on, and hopefully as I get stronger and lose more weight, my knees will improve and I won't be in constant pain.

I'm also going to start swinging my kettlebells again...AFTER my 2-month appointment...I'm afraid if I start before then my muscles will be all full of glycogen and I'll show a gain. 

Anyway, there's so very much to this process...there is NOTHING easy about this. BUT, this is what is going to get me to my goal.

Buyer's Remorse

Many people in the WLS community talk about experiencing "Buyer's Remorse" in the first few weeks post-surgery.  I think I'm experiencing it now. Anyone who says that this is the easy way out is delusional, ignorant and stupid.

I am obsessing over what I can and cannot eat, and pissed off that there's so much I can't eat, that I have to restrict my calories and carbs so much, that my servings are so tiny, that I have to wait 30 min after I eat before I can have a drink of water, that I haven't lost 50 lbs (and it's almost 4 weeks!).

OK, that last one was pretty ridiculous, and I need to stay the hell off the scale and just go by how I am feeling and how my clothes are fitting. I asked Ken to bring out my scale a couple days ago because I was feeling so skinny (HA) and my weight wasn't anywhere near what I expected to be.  I fully expected to be down at least 10 lbs more than I was, and I realize that it's ridiculous to feel that way, but it doesn't change how I'm feeling right now.

I have an appointment with my therapist next Friday and I am SO ready for it.  This shit is real.

I've had Ken hide my scale again because it really does do a mind-f**k on me. It has far too much power over me and makes me want to STUFF MY FACE. I'm not hungry but I want to stuff my face.

I also did not do the treadmill this morning. I needed to give my knee a break, it was hurting so bad yesterday and it's a struggle to go up and down stairs again.  Once again, I've overdone it...16 days in a row, from 10 minutes when I first started to 35 minutes.  I HAVE to go slower. I have to increase the time and intensity much more gradually, or I am going to end up so crippled that I won't be able to do anything at all.

SparkPeople, has some really cool "trend" reports that I can run. When I look at the trend over the last month, I'm actually doing pretty good, though it looks like I was carb-cycling for that last week or so. But my averages are all right spot on.  Spark doesn't let me put my daily calorie count under 1000 but my actual goal is 600-700 per day. Closer to the lower range.

I'll figure this out. I have no choice. I will NOT fail.

Insanity and Coming Out

So I "outed" myself on Facebook and told my "real life" friends and family about my surgery and this journey.  I've been really reticent about doing this as I simply can't deal with judgement and people (who have NEVER had a weight problem) telling me that if I only exercised more and ate less, yada-yada-yada.  I have to say I'm really surprised at the swelling of support that I've gotten.  It really warms my heart and motivates me that the people I care about are behind me 100% and understand exactly why I did this. I feel like I have my tribe behind me, cheering me on!  It really feels amazing.

It's going to be nice to be able to share my milestones and victories (scale and non-scale) with people...as well as those times I feel down because things aren't happening as fast as I want. I just hope they don't get sick of my posting about this. I suppose if they do, they can turn off notifications.

I'm really enjoying the "Bariatric Mindset Mavens" group. Kristin posts some things that really cause me to stop and think...and consider. This morning she went live and did some relaxation/breathing demonstrations that can really help me center myself and remember why I'm doing this and what my goals and dreams are.

I feel like I'm doing really well so far.  I'm still staying away from the scale and just going with how I am feeling. I am so much more active. Instead of asking Ken to step and fetch for me, I'm doing it myself...down to the garage, upstairs to the bedroom, outside to the mailbox.  Amazing how I want to do everything myself when it doesn't hurt to do it!

I'm still not getting in the fluids like I should...I should be drinking a minimum of 64 oz a day and it's often an effort.  I made some herbal iced tea today. It's mango/ginger and it is really good!  That will definitely help me get the fluids in...I'm already on my second pint.

I still like water, but I need to work on my timing, since I have to wait 10 minutes after drinking to eat, then 30 minutes after eating to drink.

I think a lot of the time when I feel "hunger" it's actually thirst, so I'm going to be concentrating on getting fluids in when I feel that hunger...if I'm still hungry after I drink a glass of water or tea, then I'll wait 10 minutes and eat.  But I suspect that drinking the iced herbal tea is going to help.

I'm really getting into the habit of night eating...popsicles after I go to bed, and last night I had a protein bar too.  Over 350 calories AFTER going to bed. Definitely need to cut that out COMPLETELY.  No eating in bed. Not even (or especially?) popsicles.

Bariatric Mindset (also known as It's Getting Real!)

I'm now starting my 4th week post-surgery. I feel like I'm doing really well though I have no idea what I weigh. I had Ken hide my scale and he won't give it back!  Well, I'm sure he would if I pitched a fit, but I am really trying to avoid the scale, at least for now. It just has far too much power over me and can really mess up my emotions. I'm just going to trust the process and continue to do what Dr. Sebesta and Nancy (my nutritionist) tell me to do. They're the experts!

Me at the beginning (Jan 1) and currently

I had my two week post-up with Dr. Sebesta and he was thrilled with my progress. I have another appointment with Nancy on the 11th, just over a month post-op, so I will know what the scale says then. But my clothes are seriously getting too big and I'm starting to fit into clothes that I haven't been able to wear for several years...some of them are brand new and I can't wait to start wearing them! The picture to the right is me when I first started this journey in January, and then me on June 26. It's getting real.

I've also discovered an incredible new tool that I think is going to be an amazing resource for me.  I found the book, Bariatric Mindset, on Kindle and started reading it and I was so impressed with it that I found the FB group and am now an active member. I also bought the hard copy of the book, as well as a reflection journal and a 6 month accountability workbook. 

The creator of Bariatric Mindset is Kristin Lloyd and her insight and compassion come from having been on this journey herself since her own surgery.  Five years ago she weighed 411 lbs - then she got her gastric sleeve and is now a normal weight and successful at maintaining.  She is also a psychologist and life-coach and has turned her journey into a program that is helping thousands of WLS people. I've chatted with her in the FB group and I will be meeting her in PERSON at the conference in October. I am super excited about that! I hope to be able to consider her my mentor and example of success on my own journey post WLS. 

She posts a different theme every day, and today's them is:

Happy Conscious Living Thursday...

Let's practice consciousness...

In today's practice, I'm going to give you some prompts to think.

It's up to you the results you'll get because if you journal them or do some deeper introspection, you'll likely get more insight.

When are you most triggered by food? When I'm bored, or when I'm feeling negative emotions (anger, sadness), all I feel like doing is eating whatever I can find, the crappier the better. I think I'm soothing myself, but I'm only hurting myself. I need to practice more self-respect and self-love when it comes to what I'm putting in my body.

When do you have the most difficulty staying on track? When I don't see or feel results.  It feels futile to me to put out so much effort and not see any return. Also, when I'm feeling very emotional. Negative emotions especially - anger, sadness, self-loathing, uselessness and futility. And yet, feeding those emotions only makes it worse, and even more difficult to pull myself out of the pit.

When are you most likely to stay on track? When I'm seeing and feeling the results of my efforts!  When I feel strong and capable and useful. When I'm exercising regularly and feeding my physical hunger, rather than my emotional hunger. When I'm respecting myself by eating only quality, whole foods.

What fitness makes you feel the best? It's gotta be kettlebells. They make me feel strong and capable, and they build up the fitness level so quickly and efficiently. I'm definitely planning to start working out with them again as soon as I'm cleared!

What foods make your body feel the best? quality, whole foods. High protein.  Also when I'm well hydrated.

What foods (after you eat them) make your body feel lethargic, or the worse?  Crap foods:  Sugar, simple carbs, high fat...basically the foods I feed my emotions with: Chips, pastries, bread, deep fried anything, pasta, candy, cakes...

When are you most happy?  When I feel like I'm in control of my life, my diet, my fitness, my career...that all makes me happy.

When are you most in your zone of flow?  Not sure what "zone of flow" means. I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet!  LOL

What did you notice about these answers and about your life?  Feeding myself with quality, whole foods, staying hydrated and exercising regularly make me feel like I have control and that I'm taking care of myself emotionally as well as physically. Eating junk, drinking beverages other than water (alcohol!) and being sedentary makes me feel terrible, emotionally and physically. I feel like it's just not worth putting out any efforts at all to improve my life and emotions. I feel like I'm not worth it. I'm definitely an emotional eater...and when I do that, my moods and the physical aches and pains and my frame of mind just get worse and worse until I can't even see a way to pull myself out of it.

Conscious living.. you want to lose the weight and after surgery, it's more about your life beyond the weight. <3

One Week Post Op

Well, it's done! I've officially gotten the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG). 

I'm a little discouraged right now, a week later. I had an immediate 10 lb gain, which is very normal after surgery, so I didn't worry about it. But it seems like it's taking forever to get back to my official pre-surgery weight.

I had Ken hide the scale, then I demanded it back. Then the next day I had him hide it again. It's really messing with my mind. Maybe I'll get it back when the real weight loss starts.

I have my post-op appointment next Tuesday the 19th with Dr. Sebesta...I HAVE to have lost something by then.  I'm not stepping on a scale until then, no matter how much I want to. I did this surgery so I can finally reach my goals, and stop obsessing about things.  Thank God I have an appt with Janys this Friday. So many things running through my head that I need to turn off.

Anyway, I'm on full liquids now, for 2 weeks, then I move on toe pureed, then as I can tolerate, soft foods. I'm following the plan perfectly.  I didn't do this to fail. This is my last chance, so I need to make SURE that it works.  And I will.

Tomorrow's the Day

Welp, it's finally arrived. I've been working hard the last 6 months to get here. I've been on my pre-op diet for the last 2 weeks and haven't deviated.  I didn't lose as much as I'd thought I would, and hopefully that's not a sign of what's to come.  I have lost over 40 lbs since I started this journey, so I'm praying it will continue and that I will lose another 110. I'm going to work my ass off to make sure it happens.

TOMORROW I will be sleeved and the best of the rest of my life will begin! 

People are going to judge me and say I'm taking the easy way out and that is nothing but ignorance talking. There is nothing easy about this. And they haven't been in my body for the past 50 years, struggling to lose weight, losing some and then gaining it all back and more. Over and over and over.  I hate hearing from people who have never struggled with their weight "All you have to do is move more and eat less!"  Well, maybe so. IF you have a normal metabolism, which I do not. I have a metabolism that is nearly non-existent, along with metabolic disorder, high blood pressure, high triglycerides, etc. This is my final effort to become a normal weight. To wear normal-sized clothes. To be able to walk and hike and kayak with no difficulty or pain. To be able to EXERCISE and swing kettlebells without pain (other than well-worked muscles).

I am taking this huge drastic step to save my life.

I'm getting stuff done in preparation...clean sheets on the bed (a requirement as I will be using special wipes to wipe my whole body down before going to bed), nighty washed (I'm taking a nighty that almost looks like a dress to do my post-op walking in)...I still haven't packed a bag yet, but that's on the list.  Most important thing to take will be my cell phone and portable battery pack and charger!

I had some stress in getting my prescriptions filled...Rite Aid didn't have the anti-nausea patch and said it couldn't be gotten anywhere in the country...well, they lied, or it's only their suppliers, because it's available almost anywhere else. Plus, I had to have insurance pre-auth for the liquid pain meds...I finally just asked my center to send the scripts to the hospital pharmacy, as it's in my network.

I then went to get a blood draw...the place was shut from noon to 1pm and of course I got there right before noon. So they sent me over to the pediatric lab right next door. I told the phlebotomist that it should be easy-peasy to get the blood from my adult-sized veins. Heheheh, and it was. AND I got a bright yellow Crayon band-aid! 

I'm feeling really nervous and anxious...as well as hopeful and excited. 

Nancy didn't get approved yet. Waaaa! There's something in her psych report that is causing the insurance to hesitate, so unless she gets the approval from them today, she will have to reschedule.  Mine went right through, and I think much of the reason for that is because I've been in therapy for the last 6 months to deal with my eating disorder. No one gets to be morbidly obese unless they have a eating disorder and I want to learn to conquer it. It makes me sad that Nancy wasn't approved.  We've been in this together from the beginning. But I am now friends with another gal from my town (met her at the pre-op nutrition class), and she's getting sleeved tomorrow too!  So at least I'll have someone to walk the halls with and continue this journey with. Maybe they'll put us in the same room!  I'll ask when I check in.

My daughter is going to the hospital with us and will be there for the day. Ken will have to come home once I'm out of recovery so he can take care of Sophie, then he'll come back, but Monica will be with me. I really doubt that I'm going to be very good company, but she wants to be there, so bless her heart.

So I guess this is it. My next blog post will be post-surgery. 

Surgery Less Than 4 Days Away...

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm feeling...I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I'm excited, of course, and anxious, and I think I'm a little sad that I got to the point where weight loss surgery is my last option. And it is...this is it. I have to succeed at this because it truly is my last chance to ever become a "normal" sized person.

Some people on the OH board are so caustic, already telling me that I'm going to gain, "bounce back" (which is just a nice way to say gain). They're saying that if I'm believing that I WON'T gain that I'm arrogant and I know nothing. Maybe they've gained...some have gained a LOT, or never reached their goal to start with, but I am going to work my ass off to keep it off once I've got it off.  I've blocked some of them...maybe they have some good advice, but I'm not going to dig through their nastiness to find it.  I've also heard from a number of people in OH, privately.

Warning me about the "Oracles of OH" who have been there for years, some for over a decade or more. OH must be their whole life because they seem to be there 24/7.  But they are very venomous and rapacious, especially to newbies who question them and if you don't agree with one...good grief, it's like feeding a seagull a crust and then being attacked by a whole horde!  Maybe I'm over-sensitive because of the diet and the upcoming surgery, except I  remember years ago when I was considering WLS and found OH. I saw the same thing then - from many of the same people I'm seeing it from now. I left the board then, because I don't need that kind of acrimony and pessimism in my life, so I don't somehow don't think it's just because of my emotional state right now. I wonder how many newbies they have driven away with their capriciousness?  And seeing the newer folk do obeisance to them, in hopes of one day being a part of their ensemble. I can't help but roll my eyes. The block function is so nice...and I'm sure I'll be using it more as time goes by and people reveal themselves.

Anyway, I've communicated with some very nice people, privately, and they are super supportive, kind and have lots and lots of experience and knowledge that they are happy to share.

I'm on day 11 of the pre-op diet. It's gone fine...I haven't deviated at all. I was losing pretty good, then suddenly my body started pushing back and I've gained a pound in 2 days. I shoved my scale under my bed. Though that didn't slow me down this morning. I pulled it out and weighed and saw that I was up again. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so much ennui right now. That scale has far too much power over me. Way too much.

I've done really well these past 6 months, with about a 3 week leap off the wagon when Max and Faith died. I've lost about 40 pounds and I'm already feeling so much better.

Sooooo, I'm not getting on it again until they weigh me for pre-op. I think that will be on the 5th, and maybe again just before surgery on the 7th. Maybe I'll just have Ken hide it for me. Maybe he'll find the last one he hid for me. *snort*
I think he's hidden a couple of scales for me. Maybe I need to keep my scale, just in an inconvenient place so it doesn't end up "somewhere" but we don't know where. Like so much else in this house!  I did get my bedroom shoveled out and got rid of a LOT of clothes that are either too big or that I'll never ever wear so there's that anyway.

I'm nervous. I admit it. I'm nervous that I'll have a complication during or after surgery, I'm nervous that it won't work for me and I won't lose the weight, I'm nervous that I'm taking such a huge step and I'm nervous about how I will need to be VERY aware and careful of what I eat afterwards. For the rest of my life. But I guess I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't feeling all that right now, right?

One thing I AM really excited about - I AM GOING TO BE OFF WORK FOR OVER A MONTH!

Too bad I have to get most of my stomach removed to do it!  HAHAHAHA

SURGERY IN 10 DAYS!

I can't believe it.  It's really happening!  It's only 10 days away (provided the Insurance approves, but they don't think it's going to be an issue).  

Nancy and I went to our pre-op nutrition class...learned about the pre-op diet and post-op. It was good. I've done enough research that I didn't really learn anything new, other than every surgeon is different as to their requirements!  Our pre-surgery appointment is June 5...OMG, I can't believe how fast this is coming!  

I'm on the 14 day pre-op diet now, today is day 4. I can have protein shakes (made with almond milk), broth, miso soup, sugar free jello (I make it with protein added, so it's even healthy!), sugar free popsicles and then one meal a day that consists of 4 oz of protein, and 2-4 cups of vegetables, as long as they're not the starchy stuff. It's been very tolerable so far. I hope I'll still be feeling that way in another week or so.  😊

I've already spent several hours today going through clothes. And I've barely made a dent. My God, I am such a clothes hoarder, it is truly ridiculous! It's a sickness. I pull something out that I would probably never wear, and think "I might wear that!" ARGH. I'm packing up a lot of things I'll never wear, even if they fit, and taking them down to the YWCA or the DV shelter. They always have women who have nothing and need business professional type clothes for interviews and jobs. And they are always short on plus size. I'm sorting by size...current size, next size, next size, then the last size. Ooops, I better re-posses those brand-new with tags Dress Barn slacks in size 14. I may wear them as all my other slacks will be too big. SEE? I'm incorrigible! 😄 I'm really trying though. I've got to let go of most of it, because I will NEVER wear much of it...and a lot are fall and winter...and by then, I'll be MUCH smaller.

Once I get to be a comfortable 12 I will have to buy new clothes. What a shame.

And my SHOES! I'm a shoe hoarder too. I need therapy. Wait, I AM in therapy. She'll be proud of me when I tell her I've got a start on this. I've got a lot of sneakers and shoes that I'll take down to the Union Gospel Mission - they are ALWAYS needing women's shoes. And I'll take them jeans and t-shirts and things like that as well. Wait. Our feet shrink, right? Maybe I'll hang on to the shoes that are a little too tight. 😏

Menu today:

Breakfast - Protein Shake, blended with almond milk and ice

Snack - Protein Jello (Yum! 8 g protein, 52 cal)

Lunch - Either chicken or bone broth

Snack - miso soup, sugar free popsicle

Dinner - 4 oz halibut, 3-4 cups steamed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, bell pepper)

Snack - Protein Jello

Sleeve Minus 20 Days

It's really real now.  We had our last nutritionist appointment yesterday, and our surgery was scheduled for June 7th. 

That is just 20 days away!

I'm nervous and excited and thinking that the next 20 days are going to be both the longest days ever as well as flying past quicker than I could possibly imagine.

We have our pre-surgery class, that will be all about our post-surgery experiences and diet, on May 25.  Then our pre-op appointment on June 5.  Then on June 7th, it's going to happen.

Here is Nancy and I on Dec 30th, and then just yesterday.   Of course I had my face all pulled in, but I SWEAR that my double chin is much smaller now.  I'm just over 30 lbs down from where I was on Jan 1, and after the 2 week pre-op diet (starts on May 24th) I will probably be down at least another 15 lbs or so. 

Oh my GOSH, this is really going to happen!!!

I'm taking an entire month off, from June 7th through July 8.  Not only will that give me time to heal up and get used to eating in the new way, but I'll probably be quite a bit smaller when I go back to work than when I took off a month prior for medical leave. It will be interesting to see peoples' reactions.

I really need to get my clothes sorted BEFORE surgery.  I'm going to sort them by size, so I will know exactly what I have in each size.  I shouldn't have to buy new clothes for quite awhile, but it is going to be SO amazing when I HAVE to buy new clothes because everything I own is too large! 

That is the day I am so freaking excited to reach!

A 45 Year Merry-Go-Round Ride

And I want to get off that merry-go-round.  I WILL.

I found a diet journal that I kept in 1993 -25 years ago!  So many of the entries really hit me emotionally.  I kept it when Brian was a baby, before I got pregnant with Monica, and I had just joined TOPS.  My starting weight was 269 lbs. I kept the journal for a little over 6 months...lots of ups and downs, lots of over-eating. I was doing the low-fat diet then...lots of pasta, rice, Entemans fat free cakes, fat-free cream cheese, bagels, etc. I believed at the time that I was eating healthy, but I know now that the fat-free craze was actually orchestrated by the sugar industry. I ate a diet high in sugar, high in simple carbs and processed foods, but very low in fat - one of the unhealthiest ways to eat, we now know.  Still, I'd lost around 35 pounds by the last journal entry, in March 1994. I state in the journal that I had barely maintained for the last four months of that. Then I found out I was pregnant with Monica and quit going to TOPS.

  

One of the entries in particular really struck me.  25 years ago I wrote that I'd been locked in a prison of obesity for over 20 years.  I haven't escaped that prison yet. I've been in this prison for over 45 years.

But I am about to be freed, forever. 

I have my final nutritionist appointment in 11 days. Nancy and I will get our surgery date after that appointment, then I have the feeling that things are going to move fast. I'm getting a little bit nervous, but also very excited and optimistic that I will finally have that missing tool that will finally give me the ability to escape the prison of obesity.

I've been doing the pre-surgery diet again to get my head back in the game after the total lapse I had after losing Max, and then 11 days later, my Faith.  I'm back on track and should be well into the 260's by my appointment.  That will mean that I will have lost around 40 pounds since the beginning of the year.  By the surgery date, I'd like it to be 50 lbs down from when I first started this journey.

Where Do I Start?

It's been a real shitty couple of months. We found out that our Max had lymphoma on February 14th. He had four sessions of chemo; the last one really did him in. We lost him on April 14. We had him put to sleep as he had lost all his dignity (wore a diaper 24/7), becoming very uninterested in food and was having tremors almost constantly. At the vet's, he got a sedative shot first...and just as it started to affect him, he pulled himself up and touched his face to mine, looking directly into my eyes. I felt him saying "Goodbye" and "Thank you".  He then laid back down, in his daddy's arms and went to sleep forever. Sending him into eternity broke our hearts into a thousand pieces.

Our Faith was feeling poorly since just before Max was diagnosed. Her bark changed...from a deep throaty bark, to a yippy yap. She was cough-gagging. The first time we took her to the vet (not our regular vet) they felt she had kennel cough and sent us home. The second time, the vet thought she had pharyngitis, which would explain the voice change and her slight temperature and her moaning at night...he sent us home with antibiotics.  Remember, we were dealing with Max and his chemo at the same time. When Max passed, Faith was not getting any better. We thought she was grieving, as she and Max were soulmates, but it was getting so she could barely get up...I thought she'd lost the will to fight. We took her into the vet again and told him he had to do an endoscopy in case something was happening in her throat. He also did an xray. She had a big mass on her lung. He took some samples, sent us home with more antibiotics and said he was hoping it was pneumonia, which she could recover from, but the lab results would be more definitive.

That was on Monday, April 23. On Wednesday, April 25th, Ken went home for lunch and to check on her. I got a phone call at work and he was crying. She was gone. She'd laid down by the bookcase and just died.  I was in hysterics, and immediately left work, sobbing and screaming all the way home. When I got home, I laid next to her and stroked her and even did some chest compressions. She was gone. After we were over the worst of our crying we clipped some of her hair and took a footprint then Ken took her to the vet's to be cremated. I cried myself to sleep that night, then woke up at 2:30 am, unable to go back to sleep. Our babies were gone. Both were gone in 11 days. The day after she died, our vet called us. The results from the samples he had taken were back. She had an aggressive lung cancer. My baby girl had no chance of getting better. She had been dying for weeks.

I am still in shock and disbelief, thinking I'm going to wake up any minute from this horrible nightmare. I burst into tears at random times, and I've been soothing myself with crap food (chips, cake, dip, bread, pastries, etc.) since mid-April, when Max died.

So I've gone on the pre-op diet...2 shakes a day and one meal...plus broth and jello. I have GOT to detox from all the crap I've been stuffing in my pie-hole for over 3 weeks. I have my LAST appt with the nutritionist on May 17th, and I'll get my surgery date then.  I have GOT to make sure I keep my head in the right place.

I've talked to my therapist AND my psychiatrist (yep, I have both! I am DETERMINED to succeed!) about how I've been soothing myself...we talked about alternative soothing techniques.  ROCKS. It's pretty hard to eat when I'm painting.  Unless I'm waiting for paint to dry. So I guess I need to have several rocks going at the same time so I can just work on one while another one is drying. That is my go-to now when I'm needing some self-soothing. 

Rest in peace, my darlings. We will love you forever, and we''ll see you at the bridge.

There's No Crying in Baseball

THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!!!

By: Leilani (late OH member)

[Original draft written June 2004 - - Revised: April 2006]

That's the sentiment (scenario) that comes to mind sometimes when I hear some of the comments from people who've already had the surgery. In case you haven't made the connection, that's a line Tom Hanks made famous in the movie "A League Of Their Own." Resorting to tears or just giving up every time the going gets tough. Or your sick of taking vitamins, getting in protein is hard, water doesn't taste good, etc. That kinda' thinking is NOT going to make you successful or keep you healthy. ENOUGH already! It's time to LOVE yourself enough to get "TOUGH" wtih your aftercare. Your longterm health is worth it!!

Success comes with a backbone, NOT a wishbone!

First and foremost, you have to keep it POSITIVE. As with everything in life, if you think you can't - you WON'T! Simple enough?

I have to wonder when "we" (as adults) finally take ownership for our actions, our life and our health? We have been given a gift, a second chance to actually LIVE life again instead of merely existing on the sidelines. It's up to each of us to do that as healthy and productively as possible.

We're ALL statistics waiting to happen and the insurance companies are chomping at the bit. The bean counters are eager to drop Weight Loss Surgery ("WLS") from the policies; some already have. Don't you know that any negative feedback thrown into the mix only strengthens their cause? I may not be able to control every thing that happens to my body after WLS, but most things I can. I CHOOSE to take control and I will be a positive statistic when the numbers get counted.

We live in a spoiled society, expecting everything in life to come with a buncha really cool choices. Well, guess what? When it comes to your health, you're not always going to get a choice. You either DO IT and stay healthy, or you DON'T and your body pays the price.

The way I saw it, I had a 90 day healing and adjusting period after surgery. My 'super morbidly obese' body had more than enough stores to survive the learning curve. In turn, it gave me plenty of time to heal, adjust and learn. For those of you OVER 90 days Post-Op, the probation period is over - its time to get serious and LIVE what you've learned.

* You say you can't get in enough liquids throughout the day, don't like the taste of water, or just keep forgetting? -- TOUGH! It's not an option anymore. Find a way to do it, get suggestions and tips from others in support groups, message boards, etc. Read, learn and JUST DO IT!! Why do you think there is a choice here?

* You say you don't like the big horse pill type vitamins, or the tart chalky chewables? ... it's just too many to bother with? Or maybe you just can't remember to take them? -- TOUGH! You gave up the option NOT to take vitamins when you agreed to have your insides rerouted. FIND a way to get them in; crushed, minced, chopped, liquefied, in a shake, etc. No exceptions, your health depends on it.

* Protein is a must. So you can't get it all in via foods and you don't like the way the shakes taste? -- TOUGH! Either get it through your meals (and there are a gazillion food choices out there) or supplement it with protein shakes and bars.

Trust me, I don't drink my protein shake every morning because I think it tastes like a chocolate blizzard from Dairy Queen. I've tried many varieties over the last 2 years. I'd even venture to say 25 of the top sellers/flavors have crossed my lips. For the record? I've yet to find one that is as 'delicious' as boasted by the distributor. So what. I still drink one every morning. My HEALTH dictates that I need "X" grams of protein per day. If I'm not getting enough from my meals then I supplement a shake. 'Nuff said.

This surgery is a gift, I owe it to me and everyone else fighting the approval process, to do it right! I will continue to choke down my vitamins, my water and my protein every single day, for the REST OF MY LIFE. Some days will be easier than others, regardless, no days will be missed.

It's all about discipline. Create a routine, set a timer, develop a pattern, tie a string around your finger, glue a note on your forehead, whatever it takes.

You're an adult - take responsibility! 

If this surgery doesn't slap a back bone into you, not much will.

Pre-Surgery Therapy Should be in EVERYONE'S Tool-Box

I just can't say enough how much this therapy I'm getting is helping me.  I plan to continue it post-surgery as well, as I adapt to life as a normal-size person.  I see in the FB groups how difficult it is for some people...they get their stomachs redesigned, but do nothing about their thoughts, their beliefs, the way they react to stress.  People do NOT become morbidly obese without emotional issues that need to be addressed.

I've been sliding backwards with my eating...eating too much basically. Not really stuff that I have decided has no place in my diet (processed foods, bread, sweets), though I've had things I shouldn't a time or two. So to jump start myself back into the right mindset, I'm doing a week of "pre-op" diet. That means 2 or 3 protein shakes a day, plus broth and jello, then one meal a day that is 3-4 oz of protein and pretty much unlimited vegetables.  Yesterday was my first day and it went well, other than getting heartburn in the middle of the day.  I hadn't even eaten anything, but after some research I discovered that having an empty stomach can bring on heartburn.  Today I brought some broth and jello, plus I'll have a protein shake, then when I get home I'll have my cabbage casserole for dinner.  *edit*  No heartburn!  And the broth was sooooooo good and so satisfying I didn't even have my second protein shake.

It's now Day 3 of my pre-op diet kick-start. The first two days weren't nearly as bad as I thought they'd be and I'm still feeling really good about it.  The calories on Thursday were 675 and on Friday they were 713.  I'm going to try to stay closer to 650 or so for the rest of the 7 days...and I'm taking Metamucil every day, not just to help me not be hungry, but also to keep things moving. So far I'm down from 279.8 on Thursday morning to 274.2 this morning - about 5 and a half pounds!  Yeah, I know, it's mostly water, but I'll take it.  Can't wait to see where I am after 7 days of this.  Maybe I'll actually show a loss at my nutritionist appointment on Thursday! That is my 5th appointment, and on the 6th one they will be submitting to insurance and giving me a surgery date!  Oh my God, it's getting so close!  I'm going to plan on taking at least 3 weeks off when I have surgery...maybe more. I've got the leave, and I'll get on FMLA so my crazy manager can't do a damn thing about it.

I found some really good chicken bone broth...but I want to make my own. I need some chicken carcasses and chicken feet! Today I'm making buffalo bone broth.  It smells GOOD. Hope it tastes as good as it smells!

My foot is hurting some today.  I was hoping it would stay good and I'd be able to exercise tomorrow, but we'll see.  Right now, per my psychiatrist's suggestion, I'm exercising one day, then resting two...to make sure my feet don't get really bad again. Then when I can do that with no discomfort, to increase it to every other day. Tomorrow is my day to exercise, but if my foot is feeling like this, I dunno. I'm going to try to get at least 10 minutes in, but I'd really like to get at least 20 between the elliptical, the recumbent and the treadmill, as well as some core work.

Core work is SO important. As Wendy my chiropractor said, the FAT is what is stabilizing my spine and back and joints...and when the fat goes, so does the support.  That only makes sense, I see so many people in the groups have so many problems with their bones and joints after they lose a bunch of weight. It's almost counter-intuitive though, you would think that lightening the load on our bones and joints would only improve things. But is doesn't. So, that is what we're going to be working on the next couple of months, getting my core STRONG. When I'm not so broken down, I am going to pick up my kettle bells again...they are AMAZING for core strength!