Ending a Lousy Year in a Lousy Way

I am going to be SO glad to see 2017 end.  This was the year I've gotten fatter than I've ever been in my life, and that my body started seriously objecting to the blubber that I'm forcing it to pack around.  And I'm ending it back on the damn crutches, unable to walk without them.

Yesterday morning I felt amazing...absolutely no pain in my foot, no trouble walking...I had beaten back the inflammatory tendinitis again (this was the THIRD attack since October!) and I was going to start back on my treadmill again this morning.  Then in the afternoon, I stepped on Sophie's bed as I was going to the hallway...and as I bore down on the bum foot I felt what I can only call a snap, or a bubble bursting...then the most excruciating pain to-date.  I don't know if I ruptured a ligament or what, but I can not walk on it at all without the help of crutches.

So here I sit, in my bedroom, with my laptop, doped up with Aleve and oxy (which barely dents it,) wishing I were down in the kitchen doing food and meal prep for my fresh start for the new year tomorrow.  Grrrrrrr.  What a shitty way to end the year. And it's all self-inflicted, I'm positive of that.  A body is not designed to lug around 150 extra pounds 24/7.  Mine is objecting big time.

I joined a "30 Days Sugar Free" online challenge that I'm really excited about. It was $50 to join it (that's half-price) but I have access to the website and the secret Facebook group for life. The people in the Facebook group are AMAZING.  Some have been sugar free for years, and offer incredible support and compassion.

I also received a pdf of the book that inspired this: "I Love Me More Than Sugar".  The author Barry Friedman is an active member of the group as well!  This is going to give me a great jump start on the pre-surgery weight loss and post-surgery lifestyle.

I bought the Kindle edition of the book...I don't really want to download the pdf version to every device I might be using. I'll be sharing lots of snippets and quotes from the book...what tiny bit I've read so far is really making so much sense:

"Reptilian Brain" is the oldest part of the human brain that is associated with the following traits: protection, aggression, dominance, obsessiveness, compulsiveness, fear and greed. That part of the brain, in our modern society, considers sugar as a survival need.

"That part of your brain (Reptilian Brain) is fed by you giving in - sugar, TV, sex, drugs - or just about anything else that will deliver a temporary dopamine surge and make sure you stay right where you are."   (From "I Love Me More Than Sugar" by Barry Friedman)

Nancy came over yesterday so we could go out to lunch....that last burger / fries. I also had a beer. It was good...and surprisingly, I didn't feel as though I was having last rites. I know that eventually I'll be able to have a burger again...or at least a few bites of one, and it was just eh.  Though the fried pickles and twister fries were AH-MAZING.  LOL

We also took the opportunity to get Nancy's before pics, and also our "Sleeve Sisters" before pic.  I shudder when I see what I look like...but I know that a year from now it's going to be a very, very different story!

This is such an amazing thing, that Nancy and I are doing this together. We have the same bariatric team and will be going to our nutrition appts together, and we'll also (hopefully) get sleeved on the same day!

I am just so glad that when I asked her back in November if she wanted to attend a WLS seminar with me, that her response was a very emphatic "OH HELL YES!" Here's to a brand new US in 2018!

Loading the Tool Box

I had my first appoint with Nancy the Nutritionist at the Center yesterday. I like her a lot, and I think we'll be able to make some serious progress between now and May 8.  Yes, May 8 is my last appointment with her and that is when they'll submit to the insurance for approval for the sleeve surgery!   She gave me a diet plan - "Mediterranean/Whole Foods Minimal Processing & Highest Nutrient Content and told me how many exchanges (servings) of each group she wants me to have.  I am going to convert some of my favorite Whole 30 / Paleo type recipes to exchanges. Good project for me over this upcoming 3-day weekend.

Today I had my first appointment with Janys, my new therapist. I REALLY like her.  I think we really connected and that I'm going to be able to work really well with her, getting to the root of my issues with food and being able to learn to eat to nurture myself, not to indulge my addictions. We covered a lot in that first hour...and she called me "resilient".  I'm going to really try to recognize what I'm actually doing when I eat in a disordered way...am I soothing myself? Am I rebelling? Am I punishing myself?  I want to understand what it is that gives me that unquenchable craving for the highly-processed, high-fat, full-of-sugar crap food, and why do I give in to it so completely.

I'm going to OFFICIALLY start this journey on January 1st...go through the sugar/processed food detox, and get serious. Between now and then, I'm being more mindful of what I'm eating, but I'm still eating some crap. Cookies. Chips. It's like I'm saying farewell to some of my favorites that I won't be having for quite some time.  I've been wanting fish and chips so I had halibut fish and chips from Tug's tonight. And it was SO freaking good!  Saturday Nancy and I are going out for our last hamburger and fries for a lonnnnnng time.  I definitely want to do that at Oly Underground.

I am NOT going to fail at this. There is NO way I'm going to have 80% of my stomach removed, only to fail at losing the excess weight. I am officially the fattest I have EVER been in my life, and I'm tired of dealing with the immobility, the pain, the self-consciousness and humiliation, along with everything else that comes with being 301 lbs.  That's right...I'm actually putting it out there and owning it.  I weigh 301 lbs.  And THIS is what 301 lbs looks like on me.

Psych Eval - Check! Ending year on HIGH note!

I had my bariatric surgery psych eval on Monday and I actually enjoyed it.  I did a lot of talking, and 2 hours simply flew by.  I told her a lot about my earliest memories of food-shaming by my mother, grandmother, etc. as well as the issues my own mother had...my very skinny cousin who my mother put me in "competition" with all my life, the obesity in my own family, on maternal and paternal side, my marriages, including the horrible first marriage that I stayed in for about 12 1/2 years too long. It started out that she would ask me questions and I'd respond, but I did so much talking that I covered just about every question she had planned on asking before I even stopped for breath. LOL  I also had a 344 question assessment that I completed online.  The therapist said results would probably be in a week or two, but that she is sure I'm a good candidate for WLS as I am aware of my disordered eating, and have a plan (therapy) to deal with it while I'm preparing for the surgery. 

And I DO have a plan!  I found a therapist here in town who  specializes in eating disorders and is in my insurance network.  Her website stated that she wasn't accepting new patients and to check in again after the first of the year, but I sent her an email, telling her what I'm doing (preparing for surgery) and to please let me know if she will be accepting new patients so I can make an appointment.  She emailed me back, and I am seeing her for the first time on the 27th!  I'm really looking forward to it. I hope that we connect and that she is the person I can work through my myriad issues with.

So I'm getting my pre-surgery physical on the 21st, my first appointment with the bariatric center nutritionist on the 26th, and my first appointment with who I HOPE will my my therapist throughout this journey on the 27th.  What a great way to end out the year!

Time For the Psych Eval

So tomorrow after work I'll be going to get my psychological evaluation. Pretty much anyone who is having bariatric surgery and is going through their health insurance is required to get this. Very few people fail, so I'm not worried about it. 

Though some of the people I've seen in the online communities I've been lurking at SHOULD have failed...I mean, we're talking quack-a-doodle-do!

I am wondering if one psych eval is enough...and thinking that I probably need to consider getting some serious therapy to help deal with the issues that brought me to this point where I'm willing to let them cut out 85% of my stomach to help me finally lose this weight and be a normal-sized person.

Why is food my comfort? Why is food my one main pleasure in life? Why do I have such a twisted relationship with it? Since my earliest memories I've had this real obsession with food. Why have I, more than a few times, eaten to the point of pain, and then while waiting for the pain to subside, plan on what I'm going to eat next?  When I can physically only eat a few bites, will that help me overcome my volume eating tendencies? The first bite is always the best...so can I learn to only desire that first bite, then be satisfied?

This surgery isn't going to sleeve my brain. It's not going to solve the issues that I have, the reasons that I have such a disordered way of relating to food, so I really need to try to figure it out. The surgery will help me to finally become a normal-sized person, but it's going to be all on me to stay that way and develop a normal-sized person's attitude towards food.