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I had my first appoint with Nancy the Nutritionist at the Center yesterday. I like her a lot, and I think we'll be able to make some serious progress between now and May 8.  Yes, May 8 is my last appointment with her and that is when they'll submit to the insurance for approval for the sleeve surgery!   She gave me a diet plan - "Mediterranean/Whole Foods Minimal Processing & Highest Nutrient Content and told me how many exchanges (servings) of each group she wants me to have.  I am going to convert some of my favorite Whole 30 / Paleo type recipes to exchanges. Good project for me over this upcoming 3-day weekend.

Today I had my first appointment with Janys, my new therapist. I REALLY like her.  I think we really connected and that I'm going to be able to work really well with her, getting to the root of my issues with food and being able to learn to eat to nurture myself, not to indulge my addictions. We covered a lot in that first hour...and she called me "resilient".  I'm going to really try to recognize what I'm actually doing when I eat in a disordered way...am I soothing myself? Am I rebelling? Am I punishing myself?  I want to understand what it is that gives me that unquenchable craving for the highly-processed, high-fat, full-of-sugar crap food, and why do I give in to it so completely.

I'm going to OFFICIALLY start this journey on January 1st...go through the sugar/processed food detox, and get serious. Between now and then, I'm being more mindful of what I'm eating, but I'm still eating some crap. Cookies. Chips. It's like I'm saying farewell to some of my favorites that I won't be having for quite some time.  I've been wanting fish and chips so I had halibut fish and chips from Tug's tonight. And it was SO freaking good!  Saturday Nancy and I are going out for our last hamburger and fries for a lonnnnnng time.  I definitely want to do that at Oly Underground.

I am NOT going to fail at this. There is NO way I'm going to have 80% of my stomach removed, only to fail at losing the excess weight. I am officially the fattest I have EVER been in my life, and I'm tired of dealing with the immobility, the pain, the self-consciousness and humiliation, along with everything else that comes with being 301 lbs.  That's right...I'm actually putting it out there and owning it.  I weigh 301 lbs.  And THIS is what 301 lbs looks like on me.