SURGERY IN 10 DAYS!

I can't believe it.  It's really happening!  It's only 10 days away (provided the Insurance approves, but they don't think it's going to be an issue).  

Nancy and I went to our pre-op nutrition class...learned about the pre-op diet and post-op. It was good. I've done enough research that I didn't really learn anything new, other than every surgeon is different as to their requirements!  Our pre-surgery appointment is June 5...OMG, I can't believe how fast this is coming!  

I'm on the 14 day pre-op diet now, today is day 4. I can have protein shakes (made with almond milk), broth, miso soup, sugar free jello (I make it with protein added, so it's even healthy!), sugar free popsicles and then one meal a day that consists of 4 oz of protein, and 2-4 cups of vegetables, as long as they're not the starchy stuff. It's been very tolerable so far. I hope I'll still be feeling that way in another week or so.  😊

I've already spent several hours today going through clothes. And I've barely made a dent. My God, I am such a clothes hoarder, it is truly ridiculous! It's a sickness. I pull something out that I would probably never wear, and think "I might wear that!" ARGH. I'm packing up a lot of things I'll never wear, even if they fit, and taking them down to the YWCA or the DV shelter. They always have women who have nothing and need business professional type clothes for interviews and jobs. And they are always short on plus size. I'm sorting by size...current size, next size, next size, then the last size. Ooops, I better re-posses those brand-new with tags Dress Barn slacks in size 14. I may wear them as all my other slacks will be too big. SEE? I'm incorrigible! 😄 I'm really trying though. I've got to let go of most of it, because I will NEVER wear much of it...and a lot are fall and winter...and by then, I'll be MUCH smaller.

Once I get to be a comfortable 12 I will have to buy new clothes. What a shame.

And my SHOES! I'm a shoe hoarder too. I need therapy. Wait, I AM in therapy. She'll be proud of me when I tell her I've got a start on this. I've got a lot of sneakers and shoes that I'll take down to the Union Gospel Mission - they are ALWAYS needing women's shoes. And I'll take them jeans and t-shirts and things like that as well. Wait. Our feet shrink, right? Maybe I'll hang on to the shoes that are a little too tight. 😏

Menu today:

Breakfast - Protein Shake, blended with almond milk and ice

Snack - Protein Jello (Yum! 8 g protein, 52 cal)

Lunch - Either chicken or bone broth

Snack - miso soup, sugar free popsicle

Dinner - 4 oz halibut, 3-4 cups steamed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, bell pepper)

Snack - Protein Jello

Sleeve Minus 20 Days

It's really real now.  We had our last nutritionist appointment yesterday, and our surgery was scheduled for June 7th. 

That is just 20 days away!

I'm nervous and excited and thinking that the next 20 days are going to be both the longest days ever as well as flying past quicker than I could possibly imagine.

We have our pre-surgery class, that will be all about our post-surgery experiences and diet, on May 25.  Then our pre-op appointment on June 5.  Then on June 7th, it's going to happen.

Here is Nancy and I on Dec 30th, and then just yesterday.   Of course I had my face all pulled in, but I SWEAR that my double chin is much smaller now.  I'm just over 30 lbs down from where I was on Jan 1, and after the 2 week pre-op diet (starts on May 24th) I will probably be down at least another 15 lbs or so. 

Oh my GOSH, this is really going to happen!!!

I'm taking an entire month off, from June 7th through July 8.  Not only will that give me time to heal up and get used to eating in the new way, but I'll probably be quite a bit smaller when I go back to work than when I took off a month prior for medical leave. It will be interesting to see peoples' reactions.

I really need to get my clothes sorted BEFORE surgery.  I'm going to sort them by size, so I will know exactly what I have in each size.  I shouldn't have to buy new clothes for quite awhile, but it is going to be SO amazing when I HAVE to buy new clothes because everything I own is too large! 

That is the day I am so freaking excited to reach!

A 45 Year Merry-Go-Round Ride

And I want to get off that merry-go-round.  I WILL.

I found a diet journal that I kept in 1993 -25 years ago!  So many of the entries really hit me emotionally.  I kept it when Brian was a baby, before I got pregnant with Monica, and I had just joined TOPS.  My starting weight was 269 lbs. I kept the journal for a little over 6 months...lots of ups and downs, lots of over-eating. I was doing the low-fat diet then...lots of pasta, rice, Entemans fat free cakes, fat-free cream cheese, bagels, etc. I believed at the time that I was eating healthy, but I know now that the fat-free craze was actually orchestrated by the sugar industry. I ate a diet high in sugar, high in simple carbs and processed foods, but very low in fat - one of the unhealthiest ways to eat, we now know.  Still, I'd lost around 35 pounds by the last journal entry, in March 1994. I state in the journal that I had barely maintained for the last four months of that. Then I found out I was pregnant with Monica and quit going to TOPS.

  

One of the entries in particular really struck me.  25 years ago I wrote that I'd been locked in a prison of obesity for over 20 years.  I haven't escaped that prison yet. I've been in this prison for over 45 years.

But I am about to be freed, forever. 

I have my final nutritionist appointment in 11 days. Nancy and I will get our surgery date after that appointment, then I have the feeling that things are going to move fast. I'm getting a little bit nervous, but also very excited and optimistic that I will finally have that missing tool that will finally give me the ability to escape the prison of obesity.

I've been doing the pre-surgery diet again to get my head back in the game after the total lapse I had after losing Max, and then 11 days later, my Faith.  I'm back on track and should be well into the 260's by my appointment.  That will mean that I will have lost around 40 pounds since the beginning of the year.  By the surgery date, I'd like it to be 50 lbs down from when I first started this journey.

Where Do I Start?

It's been a real shitty couple of months. We found out that our Max had lymphoma on February 14th. He had four sessions of chemo; the last one really did him in. We lost him on April 14. We had him put to sleep as he had lost all his dignity (wore a diaper 24/7), becoming very uninterested in food and was having tremors almost constantly. At the vet's, he got a sedative shot first...and just as it started to affect him, he pulled himself up and touched his face to mine, looking directly into my eyes. I felt him saying "Goodbye" and "Thank you".  He then laid back down, in his daddy's arms and went to sleep forever. Sending him into eternity broke our hearts into a thousand pieces.

Our Faith was feeling poorly since just before Max was diagnosed. Her bark changed...from a deep throaty bark, to a yippy yap. She was cough-gagging. The first time we took her to the vet (not our regular vet) they felt she had kennel cough and sent us home. The second time, the vet thought she had pharyngitis, which would explain the voice change and her slight temperature and her moaning at night...he sent us home with antibiotics.  Remember, we were dealing with Max and his chemo at the same time. When Max passed, Faith was not getting any better. We thought she was grieving, as she and Max were soulmates, but it was getting so she could barely get up...I thought she'd lost the will to fight. We took her into the vet again and told him he had to do an endoscopy in case something was happening in her throat. He also did an xray. She had a big mass on her lung. He took some samples, sent us home with more antibiotics and said he was hoping it was pneumonia, which she could recover from, but the lab results would be more definitive.

That was on Monday, April 23. On Wednesday, April 25th, Ken went home for lunch and to check on her. I got a phone call at work and he was crying. She was gone. She'd laid down by the bookcase and just died.  I was in hysterics, and immediately left work, sobbing and screaming all the way home. When I got home, I laid next to her and stroked her and even did some chest compressions. She was gone. After we were over the worst of our crying we clipped some of her hair and took a footprint then Ken took her to the vet's to be cremated. I cried myself to sleep that night, then woke up at 2:30 am, unable to go back to sleep. Our babies were gone. Both were gone in 11 days. The day after she died, our vet called us. The results from the samples he had taken were back. She had an aggressive lung cancer. My baby girl had no chance of getting better. She had been dying for weeks.

I am still in shock and disbelief, thinking I'm going to wake up any minute from this horrible nightmare. I burst into tears at random times, and I've been soothing myself with crap food (chips, cake, dip, bread, pastries, etc.) since mid-April, when Max died.

So I've gone on the pre-op diet...2 shakes a day and one meal...plus broth and jello. I have GOT to detox from all the crap I've been stuffing in my pie-hole for over 3 weeks. I have my LAST appt with the nutritionist on May 17th, and I'll get my surgery date then.  I have GOT to make sure I keep my head in the right place.

I've talked to my therapist AND my psychiatrist (yep, I have both! I am DETERMINED to succeed!) about how I've been soothing myself...we talked about alternative soothing techniques.  ROCKS. It's pretty hard to eat when I'm painting.  Unless I'm waiting for paint to dry. So I guess I need to have several rocks going at the same time so I can just work on one while another one is drying. That is my go-to now when I'm needing some self-soothing. 

Rest in peace, my darlings. We will love you forever, and we''ll see you at the bridge.