Where Do I Start?

It's been a real shitty couple of months. We found out that our Max had lymphoma on February 14th. He had four sessions of chemo; the last one really did him in. We lost him on April 14. We had him put to sleep as he had lost all his dignity (wore a diaper 24/7), becoming very uninterested in food and was having tremors almost constantly. At the vet's, he got a sedative shot first...and just as it started to affect him, he pulled himself up and touched his face to mine, looking directly into my eyes. I felt him saying "Goodbye" and "Thank you".  He then laid back down, in his daddy's arms and went to sleep forever. Sending him into eternity broke our hearts into a thousand pieces.

Our Faith was feeling poorly since just before Max was diagnosed. Her bark changed...from a deep throaty bark, to a yippy yap. She was cough-gagging. The first time we took her to the vet (not our regular vet) they felt she had kennel cough and sent us home. The second time, the vet thought she had pharyngitis, which would explain the voice change and her slight temperature and her moaning at night...he sent us home with antibiotics.  Remember, we were dealing with Max and his chemo at the same time. When Max passed, Faith was not getting any better. We thought she was grieving, as she and Max were soulmates, but it was getting so she could barely get up...I thought she'd lost the will to fight. We took her into the vet again and told him he had to do an endoscopy in case something was happening in her throat. He also did an xray. She had a big mass on her lung. He took some samples, sent us home with more antibiotics and said he was hoping it was pneumonia, which she could recover from, but the lab results would be more definitive.

That was on Monday, April 23. On Wednesday, April 25th, Ken went home for lunch and to check on her. I got a phone call at work and he was crying. She was gone. She'd laid down by the bookcase and just died.  I was in hysterics, and immediately left work, sobbing and screaming all the way home. When I got home, I laid next to her and stroked her and even did some chest compressions. She was gone. After we were over the worst of our crying we clipped some of her hair and took a footprint then Ken took her to the vet's to be cremated. I cried myself to sleep that night, then woke up at 2:30 am, unable to go back to sleep. Our babies were gone. Both were gone in 11 days. The day after she died, our vet called us. The results from the samples he had taken were back. She had an aggressive lung cancer. My baby girl had no chance of getting better. She had been dying for weeks.

I am still in shock and disbelief, thinking I'm going to wake up any minute from this horrible nightmare. I burst into tears at random times, and I've been soothing myself with crap food (chips, cake, dip, bread, pastries, etc.) since mid-April, when Max died.

So I've gone on the pre-op diet...2 shakes a day and one meal...plus broth and jello. I have GOT to detox from all the crap I've been stuffing in my pie-hole for over 3 weeks. I have my LAST appt with the nutritionist on May 17th, and I'll get my surgery date then.  I have GOT to make sure I keep my head in the right place.

I've talked to my therapist AND my psychiatrist (yep, I have both! I am DETERMINED to succeed!) about how I've been soothing myself...we talked about alternative soothing techniques.  ROCKS. It's pretty hard to eat when I'm painting.  Unless I'm waiting for paint to dry. So I guess I need to have several rocks going at the same time so I can just work on one while another one is drying. That is my go-to now when I'm needing some self-soothing. 

Rest in peace, my darlings. We will love you forever, and we''ll see you at the bridge.