Check-In with Dr. Z Postponed for 12 Days

I was looking forward to going to see Dr. Z tomorrow for my first check-in since starting with her, but sadly, her father passed away and she is out of town.  So I won't be seeing her until December 2.

Once upon a time, knowing that my accountability had been delayed by so long would have sent me to the Phad-Thai Express, or the Sushi Temple for a good old-fashioned gorge session, but I've learned so much about how my body responds to those types of foods, and the thought of doing that seriously hasn't even crossed my mind.  Non-scale victory!  

However....I did get on the scale this morning to see what it looked like.  I feel like I'm losing weight...my pants are getting baggy...my mobility is improving...I'm not hurting and aching all over like I was.  Even at physical therapy today, sitting up after Brad was done torturing me was easy.  Noticeably easier than the last time I was there.  Things are changing in my body and improving and my health is getting better.

So about that scale....I was down about 15 lbs!   I am so twisted though, and since I am trying to be brutally honest with myself in this blog I have to admit that I felt a pang of disappointment for not having that "Biggest Loser" loss of at least 25 lbs (in three weeks).   Rationally, I know that 15 lbs is MORE than what is considered a healthy loss, and that it's mostly water, and that I'll never see a loss that like this again and that I'm here for the long-haul.   But I still had that pang of disappointment.   Sick.

I'm not getting on the scale again until I'm in Dr. Z's office.  I'm instead going to just focus on how I'm feeling.  And right now, I'm feeling better just about every day.

My Poor Mouth!

This is what I was looking at most of the morning.   I'm sure glad my dentist has a sense of humor.  LOL!   I was getting an upper molar on EACH side getting prepared for a crown.  I took some anti-anxiety meds to help me cope, plus I got plenty of nitrous and novocaine, but the afterwards is almost as bad as a hangover.

My head hurts, from my upper jaws all the way up to the top of my head. Even my face and eyeballs hurt.   I can NOT eat, at all, unless it's mush, and all I want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

Today is Ken's birthday, so I suggested he stop by his favorite pizza joint and pick up his all time favorite pizza...I'm certainly not going to be tempted by it.   All I've had so far today is maybe 1/2 of a protein drink and 3 eggs smooshed up like egg salad.  Ken said he's going to make me some soup...what a sweetheart he is.   I wonder if I'm going to be able to eat my normal paleo-type diet at all with these temporary crowns.  I don't get my permanent ones until December 3rd.   Over 2 weeks.  Ugh.

I wonder what Lemon Caper Chicken taste like after it's been in the blender?

Halfway Through Week Three

Today is day 18 - I've survived 17 full days with no sugar or processed foods and controlling my carb intake very carefully.   I'm having a little trouble staying in the calorie range that doc wanted me in...I'm consistently lower, but I'm still working on it.  I'm having no trouble staying within my goal carb range, except yesterday I was a little over, and that was because I had chili (homemade and healthy) for dinner - AND a glass of skim milk.  Next time one or the other, not both.

I'm also taking the medication Dr. Z gave to help my body use the insulin that it's over-producing, and a couple other medications that will hopefully help to correct the other hormone/chemistry imbalances and in turn help control the hunger/satiety triggers.   I'm still getting used to all the changes...still a little gurgly sometimes or feel a little bit spacey but I think things are starting to level out and I'm starting to adapt to all the changes.

Yesterday I bought some probiotic capsules and fiber gummy chews (sugar free), as well as some vitamins.   I go back to see the doc on Friday and I'll talk to her then about ways to keep my fiber intake in the healthy range...I know that's important.  The flax meal muffins I make are ok, but unless I can figure out a way to make them taste a little better, there is no way I can eat one every day.

My birthday was a couple days ago.  My boss was so thoughtful...instead of a fancy cupcake she gave me some beautiful fresh strawberries cut up and arranged with a candle, and my team gave me a lovely scarf and a sign that is just PERFECT!

 I received so many Happy Birthdays on Facebook, and came home to flowers and balloons from a friend in Colorado, then a couple hours a later a lovely present was delivered - from another friend in Colorado (the first friend's mom - they are both the sweetest and kindest women ever and I'm so blessed to have them as friends).

All in all, it was a really good day.  I felt really loved.   But I didn't go out to celebrate, even though the Junior League had their monthly social on that night and it would have been fun to have been toasted.  LOL.  I'm not going out tonight either, although I was originally planning on going out with about 20 other ladies, to dinner, then to a comedy show.  I just don't feel super-social this time of year and more importantly, I just don't want to put myself at risk of blowing it after working so hard to get my health back on track these last 18 days.

Milk...it does a body - what?

I had my first glass of milk tonight in two weeks.  It was nonfat...and it was delicious!   And it was the equivalent of 5 tsp of sugar hitting my system. So I'm still on the fence about whether I want it to be a regular part of my daily diet or not.

I'm trying to decipher how I feel, physically and emotionally.  I think I need some probiotics for my gut and to get started on some supplements.  A multivitamin and some vitamin D at the least.  And my mind is constantly going a hundred miles an hour but when I try to put down what I'm thinking or feeling then I have a total block.

My birthday is coming up and I have absolutely no desire to celebrate or even acknowledge it.  Last year I went out for sushi with four very dear friends and it was a really great time, but I don't feel like even doing that this year.  I was going to go out this coming Saturday with a bunch of ladies from my Junior League group, to have dinner then see a comedy show, and throw a little birthday celebration in with it, but I honestly just don't have the energy or desire to do that either.  My desire to do anything in the least bit social is ZIP.  

I'm also trying to come to terms with a friendship that isn't what I thought it was, and the thoughts and feelings I am having about that person.

It's way more than I'm ready to put down in black and white now, but I'm disappointed at some of the thoughts and feelings that pop into my head.  


Are they motivated by hurt?  Envy?  Jealousy?  Judgment?   Regardless of what's motivating them, they are real.   I can't change them, as much as I'd like to.

I'm trying to remember that everything, even friendship, has a season and a reason, and it's all good.  I just wish those ugly little thoughts and feelings would stay out of my head, they make me feel so petty.

First 10 Days - A Look Back

I've been feeling rather "off"...really low-energy and foggy-headed, my digestive system was full of gurgles and bubbles, just wanted to go to bed, but then didn't go to sleep until late...I think it's starting to improve.  It's a lot to get used to...my body isn't pumping out the mass quantities of insulin in response to the garbage I was feeding it, so I'm sure it's trying to figure out what it's supposed to be doing, as well as trying to get used to the medications I'm taking.

I've been following this way of eating for 10 days now; today is Day 11.   I've tracked everything I've eaten, and I haven't gone over the equivalent of 13 tsp of sugar per day - the majority of the time I've stayed below 10.   I track in SparkPeople.com (it's a GREAT tracking tool, and totally FREE) and so it's nice to be able to see a snapshot of what I'm doing:

But like I said, I think things are getting better.  I'm still a little bit foggy-headed, but not as bad as it was, I think.  And I'm DEFINITELY feeling like things are shifting in my body...definitely there is weight being lost (though I am really trying to stay off the scale - it has far too much power over my emotional state LOL).

I go back to the doctor in a couple weeks, and we'll see what things look like then, and what I feel like!   Once I've lost 10% she'll be running another blood panel, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how that looks as well.

Tongue-Out Tuesday

Ha...I had to borrow the title for today's blog from my Bernese Mountain Dog groups...my tongue does feel like it's hanging out. Not only am I now emotionally in the darkest time of year for me, but I'm also trying to make major changes to my diet, adjust to new medications, change my whole lifestyle so as not to become a full-blown diabetic or drop dead from a heart-attack...as always, my timing is just impeccable.  *insert sarcasm alert*

Anyway, all my life, since I have been an adult, between Oct 31 and Dec 31 I go into a funk that is just awful...I'm barely fit company for myself, let alone anyone else. I don't think it's my birthday...or maybe it is.  Maybe it's my birthday in combination with the holidays and having no immediate family other than my kids (one of whom has cut all contact with me - which is probably a good thing) along with the tawdry commercialism that the holidays have become, but I know it goes much much deeper than that, because it's just been going on for so long...for most of my life...and it's not something I can control or fake my way through.  I tried when my kids were at home, but I'm just too tired and worn out to fake it anymore.  I'm going to withdraw from polite company a bit for the next couple months...I just can't keep putting on this perky happy face when I am feeling so emotionally drained and depleted.  I need to just crawl  into my little (figurative) cave and work on myself mentally and physically for awhile.  Thankfully, I have a few close friends who have known me for many, many years who understand this odd thing about me and love me and accept me in spite of it.

Now...back to my corpulent compulsions.  

It has been a week, (SEVEN DAYS!) since I have had a glass of milk. This is a huge deal for me because I am a milk-aholic. I love my moo-juice. I love it icy cold. A HUGE glass or two at a time. And I know that it's not the greatest thing for me.

Not only does it have the equivalent of five teaspoons of sugar in a glass (16 oz), but unless I'm drinking raw organic milk it's got all kind of other stuff in it I probably don't want. And I can down two glasses of it without pausing when I'm really jones'ing for it. So I'm trying to not have any. At all. Though a big glass of milk would have been a great way to get some calories I was missing last night - I had the wiggle room with the sugar. Ugh. I wish I would have thought of it before I ate a whole package of pistachios!  Those were laying in my gut like rocks all night long, but at least I was within my calories and sugar!  HA.

Like I said in yesterday's blog, I felt like crap all day yesterday.  I woke up feeling yuck...got on the scale and it wasn't down 15 lbs, so that further soured my mood, then my dear husband's sad attempt at scrambling eggs...but it lasted all day long. Throughout the day I was just feeling weak and moody and my digestive system was also all rumbly...I am thinking that if I have nothing but protein for breakfast, it isn't the greatest for my system.   Dr. Z says no sugar for breakfast, and at least 30 gms of protein, but I think I am going to have to have at least SOMETHING with carbs/sugar equivalent or my brain just won't switch on.   This is something to experiment with and talk to her about for sure.

Stereotypical Monday

I woke up this morning in a vile mood. Snapped at my husband for making crappy scrambled eggs. Seriously - what a bitch I am! But in my defense (as if there were any) I HAVE shown him how to make them, more than once. He doesn't care enough to pay attention, that's what I told him. LOL Didn't even bother to blow out my hair or put on any make-up before going to work. I just felt ICK all day long. Between getting the processed stuff out of my system, going low carb, and the medications, it's a bit challenging, digestively, physically and mentally. I feel like I'm in a mental fog. It's only been a week though...I am sure it's going to take much longer than that to get accustomed to all this.

It's now nearly 7 pm, and I'm at barely 1000 calories, but I am not hungry. My husband made a new recipe from Dr. Z, Chicken with Asparagus & Roasted Red Peppers - it was DELICIOUS and will make a great lunch tomorrow. Hopefully my blogging will get better when I can put two thoughts together. UGH.

I decided to start seeing Dr. Z (the bariatric physician I'm seeing) because a friend of mine has lost over 70 lbs with her and looks (and feels) like a brand new person.  I've tried everything else short of surgery...I know I have to do something...I can't go on the way I am.

Dr. Z works with her patients using a combination of nutritional counseling, medications and behavior modification.  The first appointment was blood tests, meeting with her individually, a group presentation (with three others), then another private meeting.  She told me to keep my sugars at the equivalent of 10-15 tsp a day, and my calories at 1600-1700.  It's basically a very low carb eating plan.   The way the sugar is calculated is Total Carbs minus Fiber divided by 5, giving the teaspoons of sugar.    For example, if I have 75g carbs in a day, and 20 grams of fiber, then my net carb count is 55, divided by 5, I have 11 teaspoons of sugar.

I am also now on the same medications that I took about 7 years ago as part of a research study with another doctor (who was at the time my primary physician).  It was really effective...I lost over 40 lbs.  But then I start feeling like I was losing my mind.   I was also taking Chantix at the time, to quit smoking, and I think that the combination of the study drug and the Chantix were just affecting my mind in adverse ways.  I felt like I was going crazy!   I stopped taking the meds and tried to pull out of the study, but then at the doctor's urging went back on it, and I'm sure I was given a placebo at that time because it just wasn't effective anymore.   Long story short, I eventually gained it all back and then some.  But I haven't smoked since then!  So I was successful at least at that.  LOL

Dr. Z also called me the next day when she got back the results of my blood tests.  Because of my numbers, she wants me to take metformin.  My body is pumping out outrageous amounts of insulin but is resistant to it, which is making it pump out even more. I am not only insulin-resistant, but I have hyperinsulinism.

It's not only doing all kind of horrible things to all of my organs, but it's also turning nearly everything I put into my mouth into belly fat and causing all kinds of really damaging and painful inflammation throughout my body.  I'm a walking timebomb. The metformin will help my system use the insulin efficiently.

The key to all of it, however, is dramatically changing the way I eat.  Dramatically changing the way I even think about the food I put in my body.  One of the books she recommended to us is "Salt Sugar Fat" by Michael Moss.

 I bought the book, and what I'm reading is making me very very angry at the food industry, and our government.  The last time I felt this kind of anger was when I started researching on what the tobacco industry had done and is still doing to get people addicted to their product  and to hide the truly death-inducing effects.   And how they were GIVING their products away in third world countries, to get more new "customers" addicted.

The food industry is doing the same thing.  In fact, several of the big food companies have been bought out by big tobacco (Philip Morris owns General Foods and Kraft...think Entenmann's, Oscar Mayer, Shake and Bake, Jell-O, Raisin Bran, Grape-Nuts, Kraft Mac-n-Cheese).

My hope is that the same anger that helped me throw away the cigarettes forever in 2007...vow to NEVER give the evil and insidious tobacco companies another dime, will help me do the same with the equally insidious processed food corporations that are basically killing us all, who know fully well exactly what they are doing, and even worse, who pay researchers big money to learn how to do it even better!

They have it down to a fine science.  They know how to addict us.  And they are perfecting it more every single day.

On the edge

I was going to post about this on my FB page, but I'm not sure that's where I want to "out" myself. This battle is such a personal one, and I've been defeated over and over and over...

The last time I posted here was in July of 2012. So much has happened since then. So many pounds re-gained. Horrible horrible time at my job. Trying to keep my marriage intact while dealing with my husband's demons and addictions. Major life-changing and heartbreaking issues with my kids. Caring round-the-clock for my sister, my only sibling, during her last 3 days on this earth as cancer stole her from all of us who loved her and needed her. My runt puppy Squeak, from my sister's last litter of Bernese Mountain Dogs, getting so sick and then miraculously recovering. Then having to have him put down at just 10 months of age because of a neurological disorder, and then finally being able to grieve for the loss of my sister. Then, just a couple weeks later, being gifted from a breeder in Illinois with Faith, and also gifted with her transport from another kind person who was in the Bernese FB group I was a part of. Then Faith getting horribly sick from Meningitis. And being gifted with assistance for her vet bills. And her recovery.

It's been a crazy ride. It seems that my whole life has been like this though. If I wrote an autobiography, no one would believe it, except those few who have known me the longest. I've been called a survivor and resilient, so those are the descriptions of myself I'm going to hang on to.

I went to a highly recommended doctor last Tuesday who specializes in bariatric medicine. She isn't a surgeon, so I'm not even considering surgery. Oh and for those who didn't already know...I'm fat. LOL I'm actually morbidly obese. And it's now gotten to the point where I'm on the cusp of diabetes - I'm very much insulin-resistant, my triglycerides are in the stratosphere and my liver enzymes are elevated. The bad news is that I'm a prime candidate for full blown diabetes, if I don't drop dead from a heart attack first.

The GOOD news is that I can still turn this around.