Compulsive Overeating

Will I ever figure this out or will I be fighting it...or giving in to it...for the rest of my life? 

I ate another bag of dates Monday night...the whole bag.  Which is about 720 calories, 176 carbs and 160 g of sugar!  I KNOW that I didn't savor each date...tasting the flavor and sweetness...I just popped them in my mouth one after the other until the bag was gone.  And the "Just the Cheese" crackers.  They are in individual packages, but I would eat two or three at a sitting.  Those are 150 calories each, with 26g of fat.  I have also drank alcohol a few time...including an entire bottle from the time I got home from work to bed time...twice.

This is what compulsive overeating looks like to me...

I am always pissed at myself afterwards, then my inner voice starts berating me...calling me fat, stupid, undisciplined...telling me that I'm always going to be obese, that I don't have the willpower or the discipline to succeed. Then I feel defeated, depressed, hopeless. Until I can work up the mental fortitude to try again. Sometimes it takes days, weeks or months to do that. 

SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO DO IT?

Why is food such a major part of my life that I'm obsessed with it...with eating as much as I can, whenever I can. Thinking about what I'm going to eat next...while I'm still eating!  It's my happiness, my soothing, my emotional release...I turn to it for everything...it's my comfort. 

This is definitely something I'm trying to work out with my therapist.  I need to practice the tools I'm learning...to pause and give thanks before I eat.  To think about why I'm eating it before I get started. To consider if I'm nurturing my body or my mind with what I'm about to consume.

Many people in the WLS forums claim that after their surgery that they pretty much lose their obsession with food...that they actually have to REMIND themselves to eat, and that they eat to live...rather than living to eat.  I have lived to eat for all of my life. From my very earliest memories, food was my comfort and obsession. I pray that I get there, that the surgery will be the missing piece to finally end my obsession and compulsion with food. 

First Bagel of 2018 - and LAST

So this morning I did as I've been doing for the last several weeks.

I proceeded to not give a single shit about what I was eating or eating clean.  I had a jalapeno-cheddar bagel and three eggs scrambled with a probably 2 oz slice of cheddar cheese.  This was formerly one of my favorite breakfasts to whip up in the morning after I got ready for work, wrap in foil (to melt the cheese) and eat later when I was at my desk.

It wasn't as good as I'd remembered. And I've been feeling like crap since...heartburn, stomach bloated, and I'd be willing to bet that I'll be blessed with a case of the runs before the day is over. I'm kicking myself in the ass for eating it, I'm feeling full and bloated and heart-burney, and yet I'm still thinking about the pepperoni and bbq pork in the fridge, along with asian chicken salad, cabbage roll casserole, etcetra.

I've been far too lax with how I've been eating. I'm supposed to be working on eating slower, enjoying my food, chewing it thoroughly, and PORTION control.  The last few weeks it seems as though I've thrown all those intentions to the wind.

It started with dates. No added sugar so they are fine, right? Yeah, if I stuck to 5 dates (1 serving) they would be fine. But I don't have just one serving, I eat the whole damn bag. Then I moved on to PopChips.  It's not like they're real potato chips, right? They're low fat! Almost like rice cakes.  Again...I eat the whole damn bag. Another slippery food is the cheese crisps. 100% cheese, so they are fine, right?  Yes, they'd be ok if I stuck to a serving...but yet again...I eat the whole bag. I also had take-out several times...Chic-Fil-A, Pad Thai Express, Eagans.  It's INSANITY! It's like I have no self-control at all, that I don't care, that I'd rather stuff crap in my face than be healthy. Or that I'm trying to eat everything now, because I know I won't be able to eat it later. If I run with that thought I may as well just give up now as I'll gain every pound I've lost since Jan 1st back, and THEN some, and the insurance will say HELL NO! to my surgery.  It's funny...I just remembered when I was seriously considering WLS about 5 years ago, even went to a seminar, I went on an all-out binge afterwards that lasted for months and months. Gained a shit-load of weight. It was like I was trying to make it impossible to actually qualify for surgery, and by the time my reason returned, I had decided I could do it without taking such a drastic action. That worked real well for me - NOT.

Granted, it's been a shitty month and a half; on Valentine's Day we found out that Max has cancer. It's been stressful spending so much money on chemo that we KNOW won't change the outcome. It's been stressful having to keep Max in a diaper since he can't seem to let us know he has to pee until it's too late. It's been stressful with Faith appearing to be in relapse for the SRMA and having to put her back on predisone. Her bark has also totally changed, from a deep throaty bark to a yappy ankle biter bark. I'm taking her in next Friday to get checked out (again)...blood tests this time to check her thyroid. And I'll probably cancel my therapy appointment so I can be there.

I'm also stressing over this huge step of Gastric Sleeve surgery. It's like 10 weeks away. Holy crap.. I'll be letting them cut out over 80% of my stomach in a final grand attempt at overcoming morbid obesity. Will I fail? Is it all for nothing?

Reading all the posts from people on the journey has me totally freaked out...but I keep telling myself that only the ones with bad experiences write the majority of the posts. Will I be able to deal with the pre-op diet?  I believe Dr. S said that will be 2 weeks of 2 protein shakes and one small meal per day.  I think I can handle that.  But then after surgery...a week (or two?) of clear liquids, then pureed foods for another couple weeks...then slowly finding out what I can handle without getting sick.  God, people think this is the EASY way out?  What a delusion, to think this is the easy way out. It's going to be harder than anything I've ever done in my life, and I'm getting so paranoid that it will be all for nothing, that I will fail at this too and will be morbidly obese until I draw my last breath. This is my last chance at being normal...and I am so afraid that I won't succeed.

But that's all just excuses. Something I'm an expert at. And it's got to stop. No excuses. Period.

I've already got my tickets and hotel for the big conference in Anaheim in October. The Obesity Helps conference Oct 5 & 6. Nancy is planning on going with me and I am really looking forward to it. I'll be about 4 months post-op by then and I can't even imagine what weight I'll be at. I am really hoping that I'll be able to fit into my beautiful dirndl dress that I bought from Europe to wear at Maifest (but never wore because it was too tight). They have a costume party on Friday night and it would be SO fun to wear that, and carry a stuffed Berner. 

I'm also getting my new exercise machine on Monday, and will have it assembled and ready to use Wednesday night. It's an elliptal / recumbent bike in one.  So I will be able to exercise even if my feet and/or back are hurting. I am REALLY excited by that and hopefully being able to exercise regularly again will pump up my motivation.  I'm not turning back. It's do or die this time.