Compulsive Overeating

Will I ever figure this out or will I be fighting it...or giving in to it...for the rest of my life? 

I ate another bag of dates Monday night...the whole bag.  Which is about 720 calories, 176 carbs and 160 g of sugar!  I KNOW that I didn't savor each date...tasting the flavor and sweetness...I just popped them in my mouth one after the other until the bag was gone.  And the "Just the Cheese" crackers.  They are in individual packages, but I would eat two or three at a sitting.  Those are 150 calories each, with 26g of fat.  I have also drank alcohol a few time...including an entire bottle from the time I got home from work to bed time...twice.

This is what compulsive overeating looks like to me...

I am always pissed at myself afterwards, then my inner voice starts berating me...calling me fat, stupid, undisciplined...telling me that I'm always going to be obese, that I don't have the willpower or the discipline to succeed. Then I feel defeated, depressed, hopeless. Until I can work up the mental fortitude to try again. Sometimes it takes days, weeks or months to do that. 

SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO DO IT?

Why is food such a major part of my life that I'm obsessed with it...with eating as much as I can, whenever I can. Thinking about what I'm going to eat next...while I'm still eating!  It's my happiness, my soothing, my emotional release...I turn to it for everything...it's my comfort. 

This is definitely something I'm trying to work out with my therapist.  I need to practice the tools I'm learning...to pause and give thanks before I eat.  To think about why I'm eating it before I get started. To consider if I'm nurturing my body or my mind with what I'm about to consume.

Many people in the WLS forums claim that after their surgery that they pretty much lose their obsession with food...that they actually have to REMIND themselves to eat, and that they eat to live...rather than living to eat.  I have lived to eat for all of my life. From my very earliest memories, food was my comfort and obsession. I pray that I get there, that the surgery will be the missing piece to finally end my obsession and compulsion with food.