November 5 – Day 36

I haven’t started reintroduction yet.  I am still avoiding dairy, grains, legumes and sugar.  Also avoiding alcohol and soy.  I’m feeling better physically every day, though I still have such a long way to go before I feel anything close to “normal”.  I had a bit of an uncomfortable exchange with a very dear friend yesterday.  

TR:

I know "moderation" isn't popular these days! What's popular is to completely cut everything out In my opinion....for whatever it's worth....IF you keep most of your diet plant based, you should be able to eat dairy, gluten, sugar, etc. It's when it gets out of balance, really out, not just slightly out.
A lot of those calorie dense and flavor dense foods kill our taste buds, and eating too much, out of balance, makes us not hungry for the more natural foods.

2 oz of cheese, or 1/2 c dairy every day shouldn't be a problem. It's the 8-16oz of dairy that can be a problem. It's not the 2 tbls of sugar, it's the king size candy bar + sugary cereals, "energy bars", salad dressings, meat marinades and glazes, mocha lattes, etc....it all adds up to a ton of sugar. Balance my love!

That being said, W30 is not balanced either! Which is why it's difficult to sustain.

But W30 is a good bitch slap!

Yes, but it instills fear. And no one should be afraid to eat certain foods, but they might need to be afraid to eat certain foods so out of balance.  You'll find what's right for you! you're smart like that!

I asked her if she’d forgotten what it felt like to be 120 lbs overweight. 

TR:

no I haven't

I'll never forget what that felt like

Which is why I'll never do it again.

I'm actually really surprised you said that to be honest.

ME:

You said I'm being dramatic...I thought I was just being honest. It's a battle I have literally been fighting every day of my life since pre-puberty

When I say "Fuck it, I'm not going to fight this anymore", then I eat myself into oblivion, and gain-gain-gain

I wish I could fix my disordered eating, but it's so ingrained that I don't even know where to start. Except by having absolute control over what I eat, and we know where that always ends up. I'm just fucked up.

I'm sorry that I hurt you by asking if  you've forgotten. Truly.

TR:

I'm not hurt, just surprised.

Gosh, I just don't know where to start with you. You HAVE to let go of this story you are telling and tell a different one!

Fucking hell, start being the person YOU want to hang around with and not the one that you avoid. Do you want to hang around with people that tell stories like the ones you do? Or do you want to hang around with the people that tell stories of hope and unlimited possibilities? Stories of fun, and lightness. Stories of new beginnings and happy times?

You can only stop thinking bad thoughts when you replace them with better feeling thoughts. You only have room to think one thought at a time, and if you are busy thinking better feeling thoughts the bad feeling ones get less air time.

Stop giving so much air time to the old stories that don't enrich your life or current experience.

Talk about what's working for you, not what's working against you....cause you are the only one working against you at the end of the day.

You are not a victim, none of us are.

But, if you want to feel like one then it's your choice.

I'm not going to talk you out of it. Go on, do what you want.

I only know what works for me. Which is why I stopped talking to people about this shit, and stopped writing about this shit.

It's exhausting wanting to try and offer relief to people that would rather suffer.

Moderation in all things is working great for her, it’s very obvious that it is.  What I would give to have that kind of attitude about food. But I just don't, at least not at this stage. I have an eating disorder.  I can talk about unicorns and rainbows and hope and unlimited possibilities but it makes me feel like a big fat hypocrite when it’s OBVIOUS by the 120 lbs of fat I’m packing around that I HAVEN’T found what works for me.  I have to IDENTIFY what’s working against me before I can get rid of it and find what works for me.  I don’t know how to make her understand that and I’m just not sure that she ever will. 

Anyway, I know that I have Binge Eating Disorder. I can’t even imagine how many times in my life that I’ve eaten until I was in physical pain.  That I eat not because I’m hungry, but because I’m trying to soothe something inside…and I still don’t know just what it is.   Hopefully I’ll be able to figure it out, and live a life without constantly struggling with food and weight issues…my time is running out, so all I can do is eat the way that makes me feel the best, and the most in control.   Here’s a very interesting thing I found on WebMD about Binge Eating Disorder.  I also read that topiramate can help turn off the “binge switch” in the brain.  I’ve got a lot of that left from when I was taking the phen and topiramate meds for weight loss, so I’m taking it again…whatever will help, I want to try it! 

So, here are the symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder (from WebMD).  

And every.single.one. describes me perfectly.

Symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder

Most people overeat from time to time, and many people believe they frequently eat more than they should. Eating large amounts of food, however, does not mean that a person has binge eating disorder. Most people with serious binge eating problems have some of the following symptoms that occur at least once a week for at least three months:

• Frequent episodes of eating what others would consider an abnormally large amount of food
• Frequent feelings of being unable to control what or how much is being eaten
• Eating much more rapidly than usual
• Eating until uncomfortably full
• Eating large amounts of food, even when not physically hungry
• Eating alone out of embarrassment at the quantity of food being eaten
• Feelings of disgust, depression, or guilt after overeating
• Fluctuations in weight
• Feelings of low self-esteem
• Frequent dieting