Dancing on the Edge of the Abyss

Day 4 of Whole30 2019, and I'm actually feeling pretty good! I haven't spent the entire day in bed anyway, like I did when I did this in 2016.

This morning I met via zoom with Debbie Rahimi, "The Shrink on your Couch" who is the brilliant creator of "Back on Track" and "Bariatric Mind Masters" online self-help programs that are designed especially for people who have had (or are considering) bariatric surgery.

This is the second time I've actually talked with her. I admire and respect her...and I  TRUST her, which is somewhat surprising to me since I only know her from her online Facebook group. I see her passion in all of her materials, in her videos, in her compassionate and uplifting responses to others in her Facebook groups. She wants to help people succeed at this. She's not just a successful  psychologist, but she's also on this bariatric journey herself.  She had bariatric surgery, and she herself had experienced that post-surgical backslide at around 7 months or so, after losing a tremendous amount of weight. She started dabbling with sweets and chips and bread and pasta and also found herself reverting to the old destructive habits.

Talking with her was so helpful. I feel as though she can actually see inside my head and that she understands what I'm feeling and why. After our conversation, I felt more motivation and inner-strength than I've been feeling for far too long. I know that I can and WILL succeed in this journey and get these last 40 or so pounds off and live out my life in a healthy place, emotionally and physically. Her programs are going to be a very large part of that success, I have no doubt of that.

In the last few months, I pretty much gave myself over to so many of those destructive eating habits. I was also getting far too fond of the vodka...so much so that it was starting to scare me. I told myself I was practicing "maintenance", but I was actually dancing on the edge of the abyss. And it happened so FAST, those old habits once again controlling me. I was turning to food and alcohol and disordered and/or binge eating for comfort, soothing and entertainment. Something I've done for as long as I can remember.

I was nearly to the point of falling off that abyss...right back to where I was a year and a half ago...the darkest time of my life. Feeling nothing but defeat and hopelessness.

Surgery isn't a magic fix, and it's definitely not the "easy" way out. A very large percentage of WLS patients end up gaining most if not all their weight back. Because unless you work on changing what  brought you to the point of needing surgery, you will end right back up where you started.

The HARDEST work is the mental work. Figuring out why I use food (and alcohol) so inappropriately and then learning to train my brain to redirect those compulsions rather than reverting to those old destructive habits. I am committed to doing that head work...and I'm fully prepared to doing that work every single day for the rest of my life. I just can't go back to that dark, hopeless and empty place. 

So here are photos of the wonderfully nutritious and nurturing food that I've been preparing and eating these past four days...and my body is thanking me in so many different ways already!

Day One Breakfast

Day One Dinner

Day Two Breakfast

Day Two (and Day Four) Dinner - Meatloaf

Day 3 Dinner - Shrimp Stir Fry

Day Four Breakfast (Fried Sweet Potato and Egg!)

Day 4 Lunch (And homemade mayo!)

My Whole 30 Journal from October 2016 - WOW

Wow! I didn't realize it was almost three years ago that I did the Whole30.  I'm reprinting my journal from then...because I find it motivating and encouraging, and also because I want to go through it slowly and really examine it. The SIZE of the servings I had then are surprising me...there is no WAY could I possibly eat that much at one time now. THAT is the number one reason I had the sleeve surgery...so I physically could NOT be the kind of volume eater that I had been all my life. 

Today is Day Three of my 2019 Whole30. I had an annoying headache last night and this morning, and I only got about 4 hours sleep (the ol' eyes snapped open at 5 am, just like every other day!) but overall I'm feeling pretty good!  I lost 20 lbs on Whole30 2016...I doubt I'll have that kind of result this time, since I'm nearly 100 lbs lighter than I was then, but I hope I will at LEAST get off those 10 lbs of regain.  

🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷

My Whole30 Journey (2016) 

I started my Whole30 on October 1^st, and I am DETERMINED to follow it to the letter for the entire 30 days and make REAL changes.  I am closer to 300 lbs (295!) than I have ever been in my life and I feel truly terrible…aching joints, the tendinitis is in a major flare-up, my mobility is compromised in a huge way…even tying my own shoes is a major effort, not to mention taking care of my personal hygiene.  I meant to start journaling yesterday on day 1, but since I did not, I’ll start my journal with Day 2.

October 2 – DAY 2
I had a good first day yesterday, and intend to have just as good of a day today.   I did have some major diarrhea; I think because of the 2000mg of metformin that I took in the morning I definitely won’t be taking that again.  I made a big pot of stew in the Instant Pot that is 100% compliant and will be eating on that for a few days. 

October 8 – DAY 8
I certainly haven’t been keeping a log of this journey like I had hoped to.  If I could just discipline myself to take 30 minutes out of each day to write down my thoughts, I would be SO proud of myself.  Same thing I’ve been thinking/saying for over 40 years. HAHA   Anyway, I made it through the first week.  It was pretty rough, especially day 3 and 4.  I probably could have gone to work, but I would have been miserable there for sure, so I just took Days 3-5 off work and pretty much stayed in bed most of the time.  Very self-indulgent, but I thought that I deserved it, since I’m staying on this way of eating so faithfully.  No sugar, no grains, no dairy (!), no alcohol.  But I’m eating good – and I’m starting to feel better by the day.  I am not getting on the scale…Whole30 really emphasizes not to do that, so I will not.  I do go to the doctor on the 18^th, and of course, she’ll weigh me, but I will close my eyes and tell her not to tell me.  I don’t want to know. I want to be more in touch with how I am feeling than what the numbers on the scale say.

Here are some of the things I’ve made in the last week, all 100% Whole30 compliant.

	Homemade Mayonnaise – So Easy! Homemade Mayonnaise – So Easy!
		Cauliflower Hummus – go easy on the red pepper!  Mine was a little too hot.

Chicken Salad - this is now a staple!  Chicken breast, apple, celery, grapes, homemade
mayonnaise, basil, served over a bed of citrus lemony greens.  SO DARN GOOD!

Egg Soufflés:  I fried up some mushrooms and onions in ghee, steamed and chopped a
little spinach, chopped up some broccoli and roasted red pepper, and beat 6 eggs
together. Then I layered the vegetables and poured the egg on top.
Baked in my confection oven at 375 for about 30 min.

October 9 – DAY 9

I've spent about five decades at war with my body, with my short legs and stocky frame and junk food cravings and emotional eating. In comparison, giving up grains and dairy is easy. And in return, I’ll forge a partnership with my body that uses good food as fuel. (Borrowed and adapted from Melissa Joulwan, the author of "Well Fed".)

October 11 – DAY 11 

Packed my food for the day since I'm going to be on the road till probably 11 tonight. I have vegetable chicken curry over spinach (2 meals worth), breakfast egg soufflé, hard boiled egg, tomato, cucumber, carrots, cauliflower hummus, melon and grapes. And some macadamia nuts in the car. I shouldn't starve! #Whole30

October 12 – DAY 12
Today's Day 12 of #Whole30 reset. I think the whole key to this is prepping. This weekend I'll make some clarified butter, mayonnaise and ketchup. Prepping lots of vegetables and proteins so meal prep and packing lunches are no-brainers. I will be out of town 3 nights total next week so prepping and planning ahead is going to be especially important. I've got this!

October 17 – DAY 17  

A Whole30 breakfast on the road!   

October 18 – DAY 18
We're making these for me to take on the road with me! YUMMM! (Yep, heading to Spokane tomorrow for 2 nights.)

Nom Nom Paleo - Michelle Tam

October 18 at 4:49pm ·

Chili Lime Chicken Wings are grilled crispy and totally Whole30!

October 19 – DAY 19
Today is Day 19 of my #Whole30 ! I went to the doc yesterday, and when she weighed me, I told her I don't want to know anything except if I'm on the right track. I told her my starting weight on October 1st, and she said that I am indeed on the right track! She is gorgeous, fit, compassionate and empathetic; she follows the primal way of eating 90/10 AND works out with kettlebells...so having her in my corner is such a blessing. WhoooHooooo! This morning I'm leaving for another trip...three days and two nights away. I'm taking my food with me, including beef stew, chicken salad, Chili Lime Chicken Wings, and assorted vegetables, nuts and fruits. I have GOT this! I'm starting to consider perhaps making this a #Whole60!

 :)October 21 – DAY 21

Brunch for the drive home from Spokane

October 25 – DAY 25
I was whipping up a batch of mayonnaise and my stick blender broke! It was a cheap one (Toastmaster), but I've only used it a handful of times! I bought it far too long ago to try to send it back, SO I bought a new one...a KitchenAid with some COOL attachments and a GREAT warranty! Wheeeeee!!! Can't wait to get it! Happy Birthday to me a little bit early! LOL

 Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! Chicken, green beans, pecans, cilantro, mint, basil and mayo. #Whole30 yummy!

October 26 – DAY 26
Breakfast Day 26: pork tenderloin, tomato, cucumber, egg, strawberries, blueberries. I LOVE eating #Whole30! Thinking of making it a #Whole60 !

October 28 – DAY 28
Lunch, and my new cookbook that just arrived yesterday and is amazing! Will be using it lots this weekend! #Whole30 #WellFed

October 29 – DAY 29
Today is Day 29 of my Whole30. I feel so good that I'm thinking about making it a Whole45! The hardest thing to give up has been sour cream, cheese and alcohol, but I also haven't had any IBS symptoms since Day 5, and I used to have those on a nearly DAILY basis. So reintroducing the foods I've not had for the past 29 days makes me a little nervous...is it gluten? Dairy? ALCOHOL? (*GASP*) 

I've had a few go-to dishes, with enough variety that I haven't gotten bored,but I need to increase my repertoire. I just got the brand new Well-Fed Weeknights book by Melissa Joulan. It's a cookbook of complete Paleo meals in 45 minutes or less. Most, if not all of the recipes are also Whole30 compliant. I freaking LOVE this book! I've just recently gotten her other 2 books as well, but this one is the BEST! She gives you directions on exactly what to prep ahead of time (an hour or two on the weekend), then you can throw together an amazing meal in less than 45 minutes...and she gives you step-by-step directions. I think this book is going to be the most-used one I have.

October 30 – DAY 30

DONE!   Dinner: baked sweet potato, beef & broccoli sesame stir fry, English cucumber and bell pepper

October 31 – Day 31

So, I’ve completed the Whole30.  Textbook perfect, other than the couple of Quest Bars that I indulged in.   All semantics, Quest bars are “clean” and acceptable to the Primal way of eating, I just need to be careful with them! It’s too easy to keep them in my nightstand and have one as a bedtime snack, even if I’m not hungry. And the Paleo Granola.  I’m not buying that stuff again. WAY too easy to sit and eat the whole damn bag, which is more like 6 servings.  I’ve found some Sweet Potato chips that I enjoy as well, and I can also see them becoming an issue if I don’t watch myself.

Anyway, I feel great, I'm really enjoying the food I eat and I’m down about 20 lbs!   I enjoy not constantly wanting chips, pastries, candy, pasta, etc.   I've learned that the MOST important key to success is to plan ahead!  A lady at work did the Whole30 with me, and she hated every minute but she didn't plan ahead at all.  One day (on a weekend no less!) she ate nothing but three apples! Not only does that mess with your blood sugar BIG time, but it also only supports the disordered eating patterns that I'm sure all of us here experience! I don't consider what she did anything close to resembling Whole30.  And I doubt that she lost any weight either.

One thing that that illustrates so perfectly is if you try to wing it on this plan, you'll fail.  Or, to quote someone much smarter than me:

When I followed the paleo/primal/grain-free way of eating about a year ago, I was very successful with it until I started leaning a little too much on "paleo-fied" junk. Quest bars, Paleo Granola, etc. Those things are all well and good unless I start over-using them. They are meant to be OCCASIONAL things. Plus I ate FAR too much cheese. So inevitably, I quit losing weight, and that "I don't give a damn" attitude started creeping back, and before I knew it I was face-first in the toxic pit of processed foods, and within a few months I'd gained everything back that I'd lost and THEN some.  I was hurting all over again, I was gaining at an alarming rate, my mobility was suffering…and I kept at it until I reached an all-time highest weight.  I was only a few lbs from 300 lbs, and I felt worse physically and emotionally than I’d ever felt before! 

I've decided to extend it...maybe I'll go for a Whole45 or Whole60. I suspect that my body is intolerant to dairy, but I'm not ready to test the theory yet...I enjoy having a normal and regular digestive system way too much! Soooooo....here's to Day 31 of Whole30!

Waking the Dragon

The Dragon Awakens

I've been pretty much at a standstill since Nov 2018 (when I also had surgery on my knee).  For the first half of 2019 I have been teasing the  sleeping dragon, which is what I call my life-long obsession with food.

I've been eating things that I KNOW I just can't have, including highly processed foods, sweets, white breads, chips.  I've also been drinking WAY too much vodka...which I euphemistically refer to as "potato juice". Yeah, I buy vodka that is made out of potato.  No grains - right? 

I'm seriously rolling my eyes at myself at my own self-delusions and justifications. 👀  I KNOW better. I should be DOING better.

Naturally, the dragon woke up, and I was very soon eating, snacking, binging and drinking the same way I did before I lost 100 lbs.  The only difference post-surgery is that I can't eat as much at one time as I used to. However, I've gained 10 lbs back.

Surgery doesn't fix anything. Surgery is just a tool...it is still so so hard and it takes just as much (even MORE) discipline and mental strength post-surgery to stay on track.

So  on July 1, 2019 I started a Whole 30...to check myself...to reset my mind, and to get back to REAL food. Today is Day 2...and I had an appointment with my therapist this morning. I'm feeling strong and like I can beat the dragon back to sleep.

On the 4th (USA Independence Day!) I'm having a skype meeting with "The Shrink on Your Couch" Debbie Rahimi. She is a psychologist from South Africa and has an amazing online program called "Bariatric Mind Masters". She herself had a sleeve, and so much of what she writes feels like it was pulled right out of my head. I've done some of it...but I haven't devoted nearly enough time to doing the work that I KNOW I have to do in order to succeed. 

I will get this.  I didn't come this far to only come this far, or to go backwards.

Instant Pot Egg Bites w/Sausage, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Mushrooms and Parmeson

Great Sous Vide Egg Recipe using the Instant Pot

                      Who needs Starbucks???

Beat 6 eggs

Cut up and saute one Aidell's
sausage, three sun dried tomatoes
3 mushrooms and 3 green onion

About 1/3 cup of shredded
Parmeson-Reggiano cheese (Costco)

About 3 TBL Mozzarella

Fold everything together

Spray mold with Pam then pour
egg mixture into mold and place in IP

Set IP for 7 min on
high pressure

When up to pressure,
set a timer for 17 minutes 

After they have cooked for 7 minutes
and released pressure for 10 minutes,
remove lid.   Voila!

Let cool for a few minutes, then
loosen them by pushing on bottom

Using a plate placed on top of the mold,
flip over, push on the mold a little to
make sure they are loosened

They're done!

  

Bon Appétit

 

10 Weeks Out

Tomorrow I have my two month follow-up at Multicare - though it will actually be 10 weeks.  I'm trying to not anticipate/expect any kind of number on the scale because I know if it's not what I'm expecting that I'll be disappointed.  I have to keep telling myself that as long as I'm heading in the right direction, I'm succeeding at this. If I could just believe it and not be comparing myself to people who are 20-30 years younger and losing at a much faster rate.  *sighs* 

My trend reports over the past month look alright. I'm averaging about 800 calories, 38 carbs and 94 protein per day.  That's right about where I want to be - I can't be extreme about calories or carbs if I want to succeed at this long-term.

My knees have been a real bitch...the left one has been wonky, so much so that I couldn't "flutter kick" with it in deep-water cardio, but then last Friday, the right one flared up so bad that I could barely walk.  Going up and down stairs was excruciating. Just bending it when I sat was nearly unbearable. I iced it all weekend and I even took ibuprofen a couple times to relieve the pain, though I know that I should NOT take it after having the sleeve. I was that desperate. 

I got in to see Brad, the physical therapist who fixed me 6-7 years ago. He is truly amazing and knows his stuff. He did a more thorough exam on my knees than the olympia orthopedist wackos ever did on me (I went three times to them!) and he is 99% sure that I have bilateral medial meniscus tears in BOTH knees. And the reason I've been in this back and forth endless loop for so long is that when one leg is flared up, I overcompensate with the other leg.  Then when the flare up ends, the leg I'd been overcompensating with flares up. It's been back and forth and back and forth for literally MONTHS...and I'm so very tired of it. It's wearing me down. Next step is to get MRI in both knees so we'll know exactly what I'm dealing with, and then to see an orthopedic specialist (in Tacoma!) to figure out my options.  I just know I can't go on like this. 

So about the deep water cardio...I have gone 4 times I think...then missed because of my knee flaring up. If I'm back from Tacoma in time I'll go tomorrow, and again on Saturday morning, then I'll be out of town and unable to do it again until the following Saturday. I'm planning to hire a personal trainer for at least a few sessions...to get my routine figured out.  I just hope that my knees will cooperate. I'm so very, very tired of being benched because of physical injuries.

Self-Discipline and Mindfulness

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. I tell myself that I'm going to be more consistent and blog at least once a week, and then I don't blog for over a month?? I want this to be a record of my journey, but if I don't post regularly, it's not much of a record. I WILL get more consistent with this and write at least once a week. Maybe on Sundays, and other days as well if I have something I want to write about. I just need to DO it rather than just thinking about it.  This is an important piece of this journey, as well as a good exercise in self-discipline and consistency.

I've made good progress...last time I got on the scale I was down a total of 78 lbs since starting this journey on January 1, 2018. I'll get on the scale again when I have my 2-month checkup on Thursday. Hopefully it will be a good visit. I'm really hesitant about anticipating a number on the scale, last time I did that I was disappointed.

Either way, things are happening. I'm culling through my clothes...weekly! It seems I'm at that between sizes stage most of the time. Something fits great...for about a week then it starts bagging and sagging. I've got a lot of clothes that don't fit yet, but they  will soon! I just hope I can get into one of my new swimsuits by the time the conference happens Oct 4th! 

Anyway, I'm learning every day about my new reality. About eating past that "full" signal and then being full of regrets as well as terribly uncomfortable. I'm learning about how much I'd made a habit of eating in bed, AFTER I go to bed. I'm learning how hard it is to break long-ingrained habits. I'm learning to eat in small bites and eat slowly, rather than wolfing down my food in record time. 

I have a Valley Athletic Club membership, thanks to Ken's employer! For FREE!  There is no way I'd ever be able to be a member of that exclusive gym, so this is such an amazing blessing! I've started doing deep-water cardio...that is REALLY a work out. I'm not very good at it yet...everyone else stays in one place during the moves, while yours truly is traveling all over the pool and trying not to bounce off anyone. Most everyone in the class are quite a bit older...and it is SO cool to see people at that age who are fit and healthy!  I think I'm going to hire a personal trainer for a few sessions...hopefully I'll learn some good exercises that will strengthen the muscles around my knees and help improve the pain.  I just can't believe how much my knees are torturing me...it makes it impossible to exercise the way I'd like to. I just have to keep pressing on, and hopefully as I get stronger and lose more weight, my knees will improve and I won't be in constant pain.

I'm also going to start swinging my kettlebells again...AFTER my 2-month appointment...I'm afraid if I start before then my muscles will be all full of glycogen and I'll show a gain. 

Anyway, there's so very much to this process...there is NOTHING easy about this. BUT, this is what is going to get me to my goal.

Buyer's Remorse

Many people in the WLS community talk about experiencing "Buyer's Remorse" in the first few weeks post-surgery.  I think I'm experiencing it now. Anyone who says that this is the easy way out is delusional, ignorant and stupid.

I am obsessing over what I can and cannot eat, and pissed off that there's so much I can't eat, that I have to restrict my calories and carbs so much, that my servings are so tiny, that I have to wait 30 min after I eat before I can have a drink of water, that I haven't lost 50 lbs (and it's almost 4 weeks!).

OK, that last one was pretty ridiculous, and I need to stay the hell off the scale and just go by how I am feeling and how my clothes are fitting. I asked Ken to bring out my scale a couple days ago because I was feeling so skinny (HA) and my weight wasn't anywhere near what I expected to be.  I fully expected to be down at least 10 lbs more than I was, and I realize that it's ridiculous to feel that way, but it doesn't change how I'm feeling right now.

I have an appointment with my therapist next Friday and I am SO ready for it.  This shit is real.

I've had Ken hide my scale again because it really does do a mind-f**k on me. It has far too much power over me and makes me want to STUFF MY FACE. I'm not hungry but I want to stuff my face.

I also did not do the treadmill this morning. I needed to give my knee a break, it was hurting so bad yesterday and it's a struggle to go up and down stairs again.  Once again, I've overdone it...16 days in a row, from 10 minutes when I first started to 35 minutes.  I HAVE to go slower. I have to increase the time and intensity much more gradually, or I am going to end up so crippled that I won't be able to do anything at all.

SparkPeople, has some really cool "trend" reports that I can run. When I look at the trend over the last month, I'm actually doing pretty good, though it looks like I was carb-cycling for that last week or so. But my averages are all right spot on.  Spark doesn't let me put my daily calorie count under 1000 but my actual goal is 600-700 per day. Closer to the lower range.

I'll figure this out. I have no choice. I will NOT fail.