Corpulent Compulsions: Dancing on the Edge of the Abyss

Day 4 of Whole30 2019, and I'm actually feeling pretty good! I haven't spent the entire day in bed anyway, like I did when I did this in 2016.

This morning I met via zoom with Debbie Rahimi, "The Shrink on your Couch" who is the brilliant creator of "Back on Track" and "Bariatric Mind Masters" online self-help programs that are designed especially for people who have had (or are considering) bariatric surgery.

This is the second time I've actually talked with her. I admire and respect her...and I TRUST her, which is somewhat surprising to me since I only know her from her online Facebook group. I see her passion in all of her materials, in her videos, in her compassionate and uplifting responses to others in her Facebook groups. She wants to help people succeed at this. She's not just a successful psychologist, but she's also on this bariatric journey herself. She had bariatric surgery, and she herself had experienced that post-surgical backslide at around 7 months or so, after losing a tremendous amount of weight. She started dabbling with sweets and chips and bread and pasta and also found herself reverting to the old destructive habits.

Talking with her was so helpful. I feel as though she can actually see inside my head and that she understands what I'm feeling and why. After our conversation, I felt more motivation and inner-strength than I've been feeling for far too long. I know that I can and WILL succeed in this journey and get these last 40 or so pounds off and live out my life in a healthy place, emotionally and physically. Her programs are going to be a very large part of that success, I have no doubt of that.

In the last few months, I pretty much gave myself over to so many of those destructive eating habits. I was also getting far too fond of the vodka...so much so that it was starting to scare me. I told myself I was practicing "maintenance", but I was actually dancing on the edge of the abyss. And it happened so FAST, those old habits once again controlling me. I was turning to food and alcohol and disordered and/or binge eating for comfort, soothing and entertainment. Something I've done for as long as I can remember.

I was nearly to the point of falling off that abyss...right back to where I was a year and a half ago...the darkest time of my life. Feeling nothing but defeat and hopelessness.

Surgery isn't a magic fix, and it's definitely not the "easy" way out. A very large percentage of WLS patients end up gaining most if not all their weight back. Because unless you work on changing what brought you to the point of needing surgery, you will end right back up where you started.

The HARDEST work is the mental work. Figuring out why I use food (and alcohol) so inappropriately and then learning to train my brain to redirect those compulsions rather than reverting to those old destructive habits. I am committed to doing that head work...and I'm fully prepared to doing that work every single day for the rest of my life. I just can't go back to that dark, hopeless and empty place.

So here are photos of the wonderfully nutritious and nurturing food that I've been preparing and eating these past four days...and my body is thanking me in so many different ways already!