Waking the Dragon

The Dragon Awakens

I've been pretty much at a standstill since Nov 2018 (when I also had surgery on my knee).  For the first half of 2019 I have been teasing the  sleeping dragon, which is what I call my life-long obsession with food.

I've been eating things that I KNOW I just can't have, including highly processed foods, sweets, white breads, chips.  I've also been drinking WAY too much vodka...which I euphemistically refer to as "potato juice". Yeah, I buy vodka that is made out of potato.  No grains - right? 

I'm seriously rolling my eyes at myself at my own self-delusions and justifications. 👀  I KNOW better. I should be DOING better.

Naturally, the dragon woke up, and I was very soon eating, snacking, binging and drinking the same way I did before I lost 100 lbs.  The only difference post-surgery is that I can't eat as much at one time as I used to. However, I've gained 10 lbs back.

Surgery doesn't fix anything. Surgery is just a tool...it is still so so hard and it takes just as much (even MORE) discipline and mental strength post-surgery to stay on track.

So  on July 1, 2019 I started a Whole 30...to check myself...to reset my mind, and to get back to REAL food. Today is Day 2...and I had an appointment with my therapist this morning. I'm feeling strong and like I can beat the dragon back to sleep.

On the 4th (USA Independence Day!) I'm having a skype meeting with "The Shrink on Your Couch" Debbie Rahimi. She is a psychologist from South Africa and has an amazing online program called "Bariatric Mind Masters". She herself had a sleeve, and so much of what she writes feels like it was pulled right out of my head. I've done some of it...but I haven't devoted nearly enough time to doing the work that I KNOW I have to do in order to succeed. 

I will get this.  I didn't come this far to only come this far, or to go backwards.

Instant Pot Egg Bites w/Sausage, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Mushrooms and Parmeson

Great Sous Vide Egg Recipe using the Instant Pot

                      Who needs Starbucks???

Beat 6 eggs

Cut up and saute one Aidell's
sausage, three sun dried tomatoes
3 mushrooms and 3 green onion

About 1/3 cup of shredded
Parmeson-Reggiano cheese (Costco)

About 3 TBL Mozzarella

Fold everything together

Spray mold with Pam then pour
egg mixture into mold and place in IP

Set IP for 7 min on
high pressure

When up to pressure,
set a timer for 17 minutes 

After they have cooked for 7 minutes
and released pressure for 10 minutes,
remove lid.   Voila!

Let cool for a few minutes, then
loosen them by pushing on bottom

Using a plate placed on top of the mold,
flip over, push on the mold a little to
make sure they are loosened

They're done!

  

Bon Appétit

 

10 Weeks Out

Tomorrow I have my two month follow-up at Multicare - though it will actually be 10 weeks.  I'm trying to not anticipate/expect any kind of number on the scale because I know if it's not what I'm expecting that I'll be disappointed.  I have to keep telling myself that as long as I'm heading in the right direction, I'm succeeding at this. If I could just believe it and not be comparing myself to people who are 20-30 years younger and losing at a much faster rate.  *sighs* 

My trend reports over the past month look alright. I'm averaging about 800 calories, 38 carbs and 94 protein per day.  That's right about where I want to be - I can't be extreme about calories or carbs if I want to succeed at this long-term.

My knees have been a real bitch...the left one has been wonky, so much so that I couldn't "flutter kick" with it in deep-water cardio, but then last Friday, the right one flared up so bad that I could barely walk.  Going up and down stairs was excruciating. Just bending it when I sat was nearly unbearable. I iced it all weekend and I even took ibuprofen a couple times to relieve the pain, though I know that I should NOT take it after having the sleeve. I was that desperate. 

I got in to see Brad, the physical therapist who fixed me 6-7 years ago. He is truly amazing and knows his stuff. He did a more thorough exam on my knees than the olympia orthopedist wackos ever did on me (I went three times to them!) and he is 99% sure that I have bilateral medial meniscus tears in BOTH knees. And the reason I've been in this back and forth endless loop for so long is that when one leg is flared up, I overcompensate with the other leg.  Then when the flare up ends, the leg I'd been overcompensating with flares up. It's been back and forth and back and forth for literally MONTHS...and I'm so very tired of it. It's wearing me down. Next step is to get MRI in both knees so we'll know exactly what I'm dealing with, and then to see an orthopedic specialist (in Tacoma!) to figure out my options.  I just know I can't go on like this. 

So about the deep water cardio...I have gone 4 times I think...then missed because of my knee flaring up. If I'm back from Tacoma in time I'll go tomorrow, and again on Saturday morning, then I'll be out of town and unable to do it again until the following Saturday. I'm planning to hire a personal trainer for at least a few sessions...to get my routine figured out.  I just hope that my knees will cooperate. I'm so very, very tired of being benched because of physical injuries.

Self-Discipline and Mindfulness

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. I tell myself that I'm going to be more consistent and blog at least once a week, and then I don't blog for over a month?? I want this to be a record of my journey, but if I don't post regularly, it's not much of a record. I WILL get more consistent with this and write at least once a week. Maybe on Sundays, and other days as well if I have something I want to write about. I just need to DO it rather than just thinking about it.  This is an important piece of this journey, as well as a good exercise in self-discipline and consistency.

I've made good progress...last time I got on the scale I was down a total of 78 lbs since starting this journey on January 1, 2018. I'll get on the scale again when I have my 2-month checkup on Thursday. Hopefully it will be a good visit. I'm really hesitant about anticipating a number on the scale, last time I did that I was disappointed.

Either way, things are happening. I'm culling through my clothes...weekly! It seems I'm at that between sizes stage most of the time. Something fits great...for about a week then it starts bagging and sagging. I've got a lot of clothes that don't fit yet, but they  will soon! I just hope I can get into one of my new swimsuits by the time the conference happens Oct 4th! 

Anyway, I'm learning every day about my new reality. About eating past that "full" signal and then being full of regrets as well as terribly uncomfortable. I'm learning about how much I'd made a habit of eating in bed, AFTER I go to bed. I'm learning how hard it is to break long-ingrained habits. I'm learning to eat in small bites and eat slowly, rather than wolfing down my food in record time. 

I have a Valley Athletic Club membership, thanks to Ken's employer! For FREE!  There is no way I'd ever be able to be a member of that exclusive gym, so this is such an amazing blessing! I've started doing deep-water cardio...that is REALLY a work out. I'm not very good at it yet...everyone else stays in one place during the moves, while yours truly is traveling all over the pool and trying not to bounce off anyone. Most everyone in the class are quite a bit older...and it is SO cool to see people at that age who are fit and healthy!  I think I'm going to hire a personal trainer for a few sessions...hopefully I'll learn some good exercises that will strengthen the muscles around my knees and help improve the pain.  I just can't believe how much my knees are torturing me...it makes it impossible to exercise the way I'd like to. I just have to keep pressing on, and hopefully as I get stronger and lose more weight, my knees will improve and I won't be in constant pain.

I'm also going to start swinging my kettlebells again...AFTER my 2-month appointment...I'm afraid if I start before then my muscles will be all full of glycogen and I'll show a gain. 

Anyway, there's so very much to this process...there is NOTHING easy about this. BUT, this is what is going to get me to my goal.

Buyer's Remorse

Many people in the WLS community talk about experiencing "Buyer's Remorse" in the first few weeks post-surgery.  I think I'm experiencing it now. Anyone who says that this is the easy way out is delusional, ignorant and stupid.

I am obsessing over what I can and cannot eat, and pissed off that there's so much I can't eat, that I have to restrict my calories and carbs so much, that my servings are so tiny, that I have to wait 30 min after I eat before I can have a drink of water, that I haven't lost 50 lbs (and it's almost 4 weeks!).

OK, that last one was pretty ridiculous, and I need to stay the hell off the scale and just go by how I am feeling and how my clothes are fitting. I asked Ken to bring out my scale a couple days ago because I was feeling so skinny (HA) and my weight wasn't anywhere near what I expected to be.  I fully expected to be down at least 10 lbs more than I was, and I realize that it's ridiculous to feel that way, but it doesn't change how I'm feeling right now.

I have an appointment with my therapist next Friday and I am SO ready for it.  This shit is real.

I've had Ken hide my scale again because it really does do a mind-f**k on me. It has far too much power over me and makes me want to STUFF MY FACE. I'm not hungry but I want to stuff my face.

I also did not do the treadmill this morning. I needed to give my knee a break, it was hurting so bad yesterday and it's a struggle to go up and down stairs again.  Once again, I've overdone it...16 days in a row, from 10 minutes when I first started to 35 minutes.  I HAVE to go slower. I have to increase the time and intensity much more gradually, or I am going to end up so crippled that I won't be able to do anything at all.

SparkPeople, has some really cool "trend" reports that I can run. When I look at the trend over the last month, I'm actually doing pretty good, though it looks like I was carb-cycling for that last week or so. But my averages are all right spot on.  Spark doesn't let me put my daily calorie count under 1000 but my actual goal is 600-700 per day. Closer to the lower range.

I'll figure this out. I have no choice. I will NOT fail.

Insanity and Coming Out

So I "outed" myself on Facebook and told my "real life" friends and family about my surgery and this journey.  I've been really reticent about doing this as I simply can't deal with judgement and people (who have NEVER had a weight problem) telling me that if I only exercised more and ate less, yada-yada-yada.  I have to say I'm really surprised at the swelling of support that I've gotten.  It really warms my heart and motivates me that the people I care about are behind me 100% and understand exactly why I did this. I feel like I have my tribe behind me, cheering me on!  It really feels amazing.

It's going to be nice to be able to share my milestones and victories (scale and non-scale) with people...as well as those times I feel down because things aren't happening as fast as I want. I just hope they don't get sick of my posting about this. I suppose if they do, they can turn off notifications.

I'm really enjoying the "Bariatric Mindset Mavens" group. Kristin posts some things that really cause me to stop and think...and consider. This morning she went live and did some relaxation/breathing demonstrations that can really help me center myself and remember why I'm doing this and what my goals and dreams are.

I feel like I'm doing really well so far.  I'm still staying away from the scale and just going with how I am feeling. I am so much more active. Instead of asking Ken to step and fetch for me, I'm doing it myself...down to the garage, upstairs to the bedroom, outside to the mailbox.  Amazing how I want to do everything myself when it doesn't hurt to do it!

I'm still not getting in the fluids like I should...I should be drinking a minimum of 64 oz a day and it's often an effort.  I made some herbal iced tea today. It's mango/ginger and it is really good!  That will definitely help me get the fluids in...I'm already on my second pint.

I still like water, but I need to work on my timing, since I have to wait 10 minutes after drinking to eat, then 30 minutes after eating to drink.

I think a lot of the time when I feel "hunger" it's actually thirst, so I'm going to be concentrating on getting fluids in when I feel that hunger...if I'm still hungry after I drink a glass of water or tea, then I'll wait 10 minutes and eat.  But I suspect that drinking the iced herbal tea is going to help.

I'm really getting into the habit of night eating...popsicles after I go to bed, and last night I had a protein bar too.  Over 350 calories AFTER going to bed. Definitely need to cut that out COMPLETELY.  No eating in bed. Not even (or especially?) popsicles.

Bariatric Mindset (also known as It's Getting Real!)

I'm now starting my 4th week post-surgery. I feel like I'm doing really well though I have no idea what I weigh. I had Ken hide my scale and he won't give it back!  Well, I'm sure he would if I pitched a fit, but I am really trying to avoid the scale, at least for now. It just has far too much power over me and can really mess up my emotions. I'm just going to trust the process and continue to do what Dr. Sebesta and Nancy (my nutritionist) tell me to do. They're the experts!

Me at the beginning (Jan 1) and currently

I had my two week post-up with Dr. Sebesta and he was thrilled with my progress. I have another appointment with Nancy on the 11th, just over a month post-op, so I will know what the scale says then. But my clothes are seriously getting too big and I'm starting to fit into clothes that I haven't been able to wear for several years...some of them are brand new and I can't wait to start wearing them! The picture to the right is me when I first started this journey in January, and then me on June 26. It's getting real.

I've also discovered an incredible new tool that I think is going to be an amazing resource for me.  I found the book, Bariatric Mindset, on Kindle and started reading it and I was so impressed with it that I found the FB group and am now an active member. I also bought the hard copy of the book, as well as a reflection journal and a 6 month accountability workbook. 

The creator of Bariatric Mindset is Kristin Lloyd and her insight and compassion come from having been on this journey herself since her own surgery.  Five years ago she weighed 411 lbs - then she got her gastric sleeve and is now a normal weight and successful at maintaining.  She is also a psychologist and life-coach and has turned her journey into a program that is helping thousands of WLS people. I've chatted with her in the FB group and I will be meeting her in PERSON at the conference in October. I am super excited about that! I hope to be able to consider her my mentor and example of success on my own journey post WLS. 

She posts a different theme every day, and today's them is:

Happy Conscious Living Thursday...

Let's practice consciousness...

In today's practice, I'm going to give you some prompts to think.

It's up to you the results you'll get because if you journal them or do some deeper introspection, you'll likely get more insight.

When are you most triggered by food? When I'm bored, or when I'm feeling negative emotions (anger, sadness), all I feel like doing is eating whatever I can find, the crappier the better. I think I'm soothing myself, but I'm only hurting myself. I need to practice more self-respect and self-love when it comes to what I'm putting in my body.

When do you have the most difficulty staying on track? When I don't see or feel results.  It feels futile to me to put out so much effort and not see any return. Also, when I'm feeling very emotional. Negative emotions especially - anger, sadness, self-loathing, uselessness and futility. And yet, feeding those emotions only makes it worse, and even more difficult to pull myself out of the pit.

When are you most likely to stay on track? When I'm seeing and feeling the results of my efforts!  When I feel strong and capable and useful. When I'm exercising regularly and feeding my physical hunger, rather than my emotional hunger. When I'm respecting myself by eating only quality, whole foods.

What fitness makes you feel the best? It's gotta be kettlebells. They make me feel strong and capable, and they build up the fitness level so quickly and efficiently. I'm definitely planning to start working out with them again as soon as I'm cleared!

What foods make your body feel the best? quality, whole foods. High protein.  Also when I'm well hydrated.

What foods (after you eat them) make your body feel lethargic, or the worse?  Crap foods:  Sugar, simple carbs, high fat...basically the foods I feed my emotions with: Chips, pastries, bread, deep fried anything, pasta, candy, cakes...

When are you most happy?  When I feel like I'm in control of my life, my diet, my fitness, my career...that all makes me happy.

When are you most in your zone of flow?  Not sure what "zone of flow" means. I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet!  LOL

What did you notice about these answers and about your life?  Feeding myself with quality, whole foods, staying hydrated and exercising regularly make me feel like I have control and that I'm taking care of myself emotionally as well as physically. Eating junk, drinking beverages other than water (alcohol!) and being sedentary makes me feel terrible, emotionally and physically. I feel like it's just not worth putting out any efforts at all to improve my life and emotions. I feel like I'm not worth it. I'm definitely an emotional eater...and when I do that, my moods and the physical aches and pains and my frame of mind just get worse and worse until I can't even see a way to pull myself out of it.

Conscious living.. you want to lose the weight and after surgery, it's more about your life beyond the weight. <3