Cancer strikes AGAIN

A very dear friend of mine left this world yesterday.  I am so thankful that I was able to spend some time with her the Sunday before last. We talked a lot...about death...about how we know that our spirits and souls live on and how we both feel that the only really scary part about dying is the suffering that may come with it.

She had been fighting this cancer like a true warrior for over two years, but she had finally made the decision (rightfully so) that she was done fighting and she just wanted to enjoy whatever time she had left. God, I wish it had been longer. I wish she could have gone glamping another time or two...oh, how she loved her glamping. I used to tease her that she couldn't call it camping unless she was sleeping in a tent.

But she had a totally pimped out 5th wheel that had ALL of the comforts of home, and then some!

She and I did several Relay for Life events together. She would have her husband bring the 5th wheel, and then would open it up, not only to our own team, but to any other RFLer who needed a soft spot to catch a few zzzz's. She would have really tasty food prepared and would share it with all.

She was an amazing hostess...almost to a fault. Even at the end...in fact, I scolded her just a little about that. She had much more important things to spend her energy on than worrying if she had refreshments available for her friends and family who would come by.

I pray she didn't suffer.  Hospice was managing her care, and I'm sure, after how they were with my sister, that they ensured she was comfortable right up to her crossing over.

The world is a little dimmer today without her.

I know that I will see her again in eternity. I hope she can feel how much she was loved, and how much she is missed -  by SO many people. Everyone who knew her was blessed with her beautiful spirit.

Enjoy the unfathomable joy of eternity, Lisa. I will miss you and think of you every day for the rest of my life here...and I'll see you when I get there. Make sure the wine is chilled!  💗

 

 

 

Two Weeks of Whole30 and Still Going Strong!

Today is Day 14 of my Whole 30 and I'm still going strong. Week 3 is supposedly the week of "boundless energy". We'll see. I noticed that I was getting bored and munchy, but I've stayed determined and on plan. I am committed to getting through the entire 30 days, at the LEAST.  And staying away from the processed foods and simple carbs indefinitely.

However, I am eating too much.  Even the "good" stuff can be misused. I wish I could be one of those people who just aren't that interested in eating, but I'm not. I love food, and that's just the way it is. I need to learn how to make peace with that and live my best life in spite (or because?) of it. 

The most important thing to my right now is that I AM NOT DRINKING!  That is a HUGE deal and the longer I go without imbibing, the stronger I feel. I don't need to have alcohol in my life. It's just not something I can use responsibly, or socially, so it's better that I just abstain from it altogether.

I got an air fryer lid that fits on my Instant Pot and I AM CRAZY ABOUT IT!  I have made potatoes, chicken wings, and a steak and mushroom bites things with it...I LOVE it.  I also had Ken dig out my Pampered Chef Microwave Chip thing and have made sweet potato chips. Those are good for when I absolutely have to have something crunchy.

I've been eating a LOT of fruit. Especially the Rainier Cherries that are in season. I think I'm on the last of them now...they are SO good and SO addictive.

Salt and Vinegar Wings

Wings and CrispyLid Potatoes

 

Steak Bites and Mushrooms

Sweet Potato Chips (Pampered Chef Chip Maker)

So here's to Week Three of Whole30!  I'm hoping for the Tiger Blood to start pumping. My goals for Week 3 is to rein myself in a bit on the volume of food that I'm eating, drink at LEAST three 32 oz bottles of water every day AND get at LEAST 7500 steps in every single day.

Booooo YA!

Whole 30 2019 - Day 9

I'm sticking to the Whole 30 way of eating like a boss - today is day NINE! I am eating too much, however, and I haven't been drinking enough water. I'm going to be more mindful of BOTH of those things. Especially the water! At least my office is right across the hall from the bathroom.

According to the Whole 30 program, the way I'm feeling today is TOTALLY expected, but ugh. I am feeling pretty bloated.

I haven't gotten on the scale at all, per the Whole 30 guidelines. I've been tempted, but I am NOT going to weigh until August 1. And the thought of doing it even thing makes me a little anxious...I wish the scale didn't have the kind of power over me that it does. But it is what it is. I am who I am, and I just need to figure out how to deal.


I DID get up early and get on my exercise bike.  Planning on doing that EVERY day, because it sure keeps my leg loosened up. I've pretty much accepted that it will never be "as good as new" and that I need to just learn to live with it.  RADICAL ACCEPTANCE.

I think I slept pretty good last night...I went to bed and listened to the sleep meditation audible I'm working through, then I went to sleep listening to whale song...I don't remember waking up at all in the middle of the night, but still I didn't even get 6 hours sleep total. I felt well-rested when I woke up though, so what I did get must have been pretty good!  It's fascinating to see how the FitBit logs my sleep...I wonder how accurate it really is though.

I'm not going to get my goal of 7500 steps in today, but I will definitely be getting it in tomorrow as a co-worker and I WILL be going for 2-3 walks tomorrow on our breaks.

I really do need to start going to the gym...I just need to figure out when I will be more likely to stick with it.

How I wish that going to the gym and working out was something that I didn't have to try to talk myself into wanting to do. I'm a natural sloth. The ONLY reason I will force myself to do it is so I can stay mobile and keep the joints as loosened up as possible, and hopefully decrease the pain levels. I'll be doing the Qigong starting in September, so there's that too. I might need to start up with the acupuncture again too.   I'm also going to get some appointments set up with my Physical Therapist...she will help me get my head back into the right space!  Even just getting with her a once every other week will help!

This Saturday, I'm going to go down to the senior center (about an hour away) where I did a consumer protection event a couple weeks ago. I've volunteered to help with their STP Dinner fundraiser. Every year during the Seattle-To-Portland bike ride, they prepare and serve the riders dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday. I really like that center and I really like the gal that runs it...plus I used to live in that area...it will be fun! I talked my bff from high school to go with me, along with a co-worker who lives down there. We'll have a blast!

Radical Acceptance

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), "Radical Acceptance" is an important component.  DBT is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that tries to identify and change negative thinking patterns and pushes for positive changes. 

The four major skills DBT tries to teach are:

• Interpersonal effectiveness
• Distress tolerance / reality acceptance skills
• Emotion regulation
• Mindfulness skills

I found this blog on the National Eating Disorders Association website. I'm sharing the parts that really hit home with me (full blog can be accessed by clicking on the title): 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy in the Treatment of Binge Eating Disorder

How many of us who struggle with binge eating and/or weight management have been given the guidance to simply eat less and exercise more? 

A diet and exercise plan alone will not suffice for someone who binge eats. 

In adapting traditional DBT to target binge eating, it also includes developing an individualized food plan that will support their goals.

I have found the most effective way to treat binge eating behavior is a concept straight from DBT—it's called dialectical abstinence, and it really gets to the heart of the bind inherent in binge eating treatment. One of the core concepts of DBT is finding a dialectical “middle path,” or a synthesis, between two opposing ideas. For people with BED, the two great opposing ideas in dialectical abstinence are 1) You need to be fully adherent and comply with your food plan that includes abstinence from certain triggering foods AND 2) Doing just that perfectly is a complete and utter impossibility. What a pickle! 

On the one hand, in order to make long-term solutions, you need to follow an individualized food plan, and work your program like a boss, with a serious level of precision. But, if it were as easy as “go follow a food plan perfectly,” then no one would be in any sort of food struggle predicament. The problem here is that with those who binge eat, the alternative to being on plan is historically getting off the road completely. Or, as we formally call it in DBT, the abstinence violation effect: if you have a longstanding struggle with a food plan, it's easy to fall off track in major ways. And, you don't usually return to any level of a healthy program until cued by health concerns or shame. 

The opposing idea to food plan compliance is that food plan imperfection (having slips) is inevitable. And, if you allow yourself to ONLY hang out in that headspace, slipping becomes the norm, and treatment is not effective. Four of the most dangerous words that I hear from clients are "It's No Big Deal" in reference to a slip from the food plan. The fact is, if you don't pay attention to slips, they become relapses, and our slips become slides. The problem here is that you don’t see any long-term or sustainable change. 

Dialectical abstinence says that lapses are going to happen AND you can't plan for them. Dialectical abstinence says that we strive for recovery/adherence all day every day—and calls for acceptance that lapses are an inevitable part of the journey. 

In DBT for BED, distress tolerance skills are used to help clients get through a hard moment (including a food craving or lapse) without making the situation worse by engaging in a harmful eating coping behavior. Finally, mindfulness skills are introduced to increase awareness and combat the out-of-body-and-mind experience...(of a binge) 

My Two Brains

DAY 5 - Whole30 2019

I listened to a podcast this morning that featured an interview with Mark Manson who is the author of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and "Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope".  He said a LOT that really resonated with me.

My big takeaway from the podcast is that I have two brains...the thinking brain and the feeling brain, and I need to train them so that they communicate with each other better. To train my "thinking" brain to listen to my to emotions - then to process them and create helpful (healthy) meaning around them.

All of my life, I've not allowed my "feeling" brain to have a voice...I would smother it with inappropriate eating or drinking or actions. Instead of allowing myself to just feel whatever the emotion is that is uncomfortable for whatever reason, I have trained myself over my lifetime to shut it down by distraction via food or alcohol, or even by acting or re-acting inappropriately. 

And that inner voice...sneering at me,

"you're so weak!" 

"you're just a failure!" 

"you'll never succeed!"

"why even bother trying, you know you'll just fail again"

"you're a fat pig and you always will be"  

I CAN RE-TRAIN MY BRAIN!  

Meditation, reflection, lots of repetitive positive affirmations...teaching myself that it's good and it's right to feel and experience even uncomfortable emotions without reacting...that is what I need to learn. And I need to keep telling myself that I'm ok just the way I am. I'm NOT a failure. Telling that inner voice to STFU.  I have an eating disorder, and I've developed patterns and habits over the past 60 years that I need to change, but that does NOT affect my worthiness. 

I made a GREAT dinner today - Lemongrass Coconut Chicken (a NomNomPaleo Instant Pot recipe!) with Coconut-Lime Faux Fried Rice. I did a  lot of tasting it as I was finishing it up, then drank a kombucha, so I'm too full to eat dinner until later, but the husband sure scarfed it down!

I have to go back to work on Monday, so only two more days left of my mini-staycation! I've done a lot of cooking, reading, listening, and more blogging than I've done in WAY too long. I'm hoping to stay more consistent with the blogging and journaling. It's such a valuable tool when trying to retrain your brain and forming new healthier habits.

I'm not getting more than 5 hours sleep a night so far...hopefully that will improve.  Next on my list...EXERCISE. I've been slacking quite a bit on that (the past couple of weeks especially) but I'm physically feeling better, and my knee isn't quite as stiff and painful as it's been. It's time to get back on the exercise bike! Maybe I'll even get a wild hair and go to the deep water aerobics class in the morning.

Dancing on the Edge of the Abyss

Day 4 of Whole30 2019, and I'm actually feeling pretty good! I haven't spent the entire day in bed anyway, like I did when I did this in 2016.

This morning I met via zoom with Debbie Rahimi, "The Shrink on your Couch" who is the brilliant creator of "Back on Track" and "Bariatric Mind Masters" online self-help programs that are designed especially for people who have had (or are considering) bariatric surgery.

This is the second time I've actually talked with her. I admire and respect her...and I  TRUST her, which is somewhat surprising to me since I only know her from her online Facebook group. I see her passion in all of her materials, in her videos, in her compassionate and uplifting responses to others in her Facebook groups. She wants to help people succeed at this. She's not just a successful  psychologist, but she's also on this bariatric journey herself.  She had bariatric surgery, and she herself had experienced that post-surgical backslide at around 7 months or so, after losing a tremendous amount of weight. She started dabbling with sweets and chips and bread and pasta and also found herself reverting to the old destructive habits.

Talking with her was so helpful. I feel as though she can actually see inside my head and that she understands what I'm feeling and why. After our conversation, I felt more motivation and inner-strength than I've been feeling for far too long. I know that I can and WILL succeed in this journey and get these last 40 or so pounds off and live out my life in a healthy place, emotionally and physically. Her programs are going to be a very large part of that success, I have no doubt of that.

In the last few months, I pretty much gave myself over to so many of those destructive eating habits. I was also getting far too fond of the vodka...so much so that it was starting to scare me. I told myself I was practicing "maintenance", but I was actually dancing on the edge of the abyss. And it happened so FAST, those old habits once again controlling me. I was turning to food and alcohol and disordered and/or binge eating for comfort, soothing and entertainment. Something I've done for as long as I can remember.

I was nearly to the point of falling off that abyss...right back to where I was a year and a half ago...the darkest time of my life. Feeling nothing but defeat and hopelessness.

Surgery isn't a magic fix, and it's definitely not the "easy" way out. A very large percentage of WLS patients end up gaining most if not all their weight back. Because unless you work on changing what  brought you to the point of needing surgery, you will end right back up where you started.

The HARDEST work is the mental work. Figuring out why I use food (and alcohol) so inappropriately and then learning to train my brain to redirect those compulsions rather than reverting to those old destructive habits. I am committed to doing that head work...and I'm fully prepared to doing that work every single day for the rest of my life. I just can't go back to that dark, hopeless and empty place. 

So here are photos of the wonderfully nutritious and nurturing food that I've been preparing and eating these past four days...and my body is thanking me in so many different ways already!

Day One Breakfast

Day One Dinner

Day Two Breakfast

Day Two (and Day Four) Dinner - Meatloaf

Day 3 Dinner - Shrimp Stir Fry

Day Four Breakfast (Fried Sweet Potato and Egg!)

Day 4 Lunch (And homemade mayo!)

My Whole 30 Journal from October 2016 - WOW

Wow! I didn't realize it was almost three years ago that I did the Whole30.  I'm reprinting my journal from then...because I find it motivating and encouraging, and also because I want to go through it slowly and really examine it. The SIZE of the servings I had then are surprising me...there is no WAY could I possibly eat that much at one time now. THAT is the number one reason I had the sleeve surgery...so I physically could NOT be the kind of volume eater that I had been all my life. 

Today is Day Three of my 2019 Whole30. I had an annoying headache last night and this morning, and I only got about 4 hours sleep (the ol' eyes snapped open at 5 am, just like every other day!) but overall I'm feeling pretty good!  I lost 20 lbs on Whole30 2016...I doubt I'll have that kind of result this time, since I'm nearly 100 lbs lighter than I was then, but I hope I will at LEAST get off those 10 lbs of regain.  

🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷🔹🔷

My Whole30 Journey (2016) 

I started my Whole30 on October 1^st, and I am DETERMINED to follow it to the letter for the entire 30 days and make REAL changes.  I am closer to 300 lbs (295!) than I have ever been in my life and I feel truly terrible…aching joints, the tendinitis is in a major flare-up, my mobility is compromised in a huge way…even tying my own shoes is a major effort, not to mention taking care of my personal hygiene.  I meant to start journaling yesterday on day 1, but since I did not, I’ll start my journal with Day 2.

October 2 – DAY 2
I had a good first day yesterday, and intend to have just as good of a day today.   I did have some major diarrhea; I think because of the 2000mg of metformin that I took in the morning I definitely won’t be taking that again.  I made a big pot of stew in the Instant Pot that is 100% compliant and will be eating on that for a few days. 

October 8 – DAY 8
I certainly haven’t been keeping a log of this journey like I had hoped to.  If I could just discipline myself to take 30 minutes out of each day to write down my thoughts, I would be SO proud of myself.  Same thing I’ve been thinking/saying for over 40 years. HAHA   Anyway, I made it through the first week.  It was pretty rough, especially day 3 and 4.  I probably could have gone to work, but I would have been miserable there for sure, so I just took Days 3-5 off work and pretty much stayed in bed most of the time.  Very self-indulgent, but I thought that I deserved it, since I’m staying on this way of eating so faithfully.  No sugar, no grains, no dairy (!), no alcohol.  But I’m eating good – and I’m starting to feel better by the day.  I am not getting on the scale…Whole30 really emphasizes not to do that, so I will not.  I do go to the doctor on the 18^th, and of course, she’ll weigh me, but I will close my eyes and tell her not to tell me.  I don’t want to know. I want to be more in touch with how I am feeling than what the numbers on the scale say.

Here are some of the things I’ve made in the last week, all 100% Whole30 compliant.

	Homemade Mayonnaise – So Easy! Homemade Mayonnaise – So Easy!
		Cauliflower Hummus – go easy on the red pepper!  Mine was a little too hot.

Chicken Salad - this is now a staple!  Chicken breast, apple, celery, grapes, homemade
mayonnaise, basil, served over a bed of citrus lemony greens.  SO DARN GOOD!

Egg Soufflés:  I fried up some mushrooms and onions in ghee, steamed and chopped a
little spinach, chopped up some broccoli and roasted red pepper, and beat 6 eggs
together. Then I layered the vegetables and poured the egg on top.
Baked in my confection oven at 375 for about 30 min.

October 9 – DAY 9

I've spent about five decades at war with my body, with my short legs and stocky frame and junk food cravings and emotional eating. In comparison, giving up grains and dairy is easy. And in return, I’ll forge a partnership with my body that uses good food as fuel. (Borrowed and adapted from Melissa Joulwan, the author of "Well Fed".)

October 11 – DAY 11 

Packed my food for the day since I'm going to be on the road till probably 11 tonight. I have vegetable chicken curry over spinach (2 meals worth), breakfast egg soufflé, hard boiled egg, tomato, cucumber, carrots, cauliflower hummus, melon and grapes. And some macadamia nuts in the car. I shouldn't starve! #Whole30

October 12 – DAY 12
Today's Day 12 of #Whole30 reset. I think the whole key to this is prepping. This weekend I'll make some clarified butter, mayonnaise and ketchup. Prepping lots of vegetables and proteins so meal prep and packing lunches are no-brainers. I will be out of town 3 nights total next week so prepping and planning ahead is going to be especially important. I've got this!

October 17 – DAY 17  

A Whole30 breakfast on the road!   

October 18 – DAY 18
We're making these for me to take on the road with me! YUMMM! (Yep, heading to Spokane tomorrow for 2 nights.)

Nom Nom Paleo - Michelle Tam

October 18 at 4:49pm ·

Chili Lime Chicken Wings are grilled crispy and totally Whole30!

October 19 – DAY 19
Today is Day 19 of my #Whole30 ! I went to the doc yesterday, and when she weighed me, I told her I don't want to know anything except if I'm on the right track. I told her my starting weight on October 1st, and she said that I am indeed on the right track! She is gorgeous, fit, compassionate and empathetic; she follows the primal way of eating 90/10 AND works out with kettlebells...so having her in my corner is such a blessing. WhoooHooooo! This morning I'm leaving for another trip...three days and two nights away. I'm taking my food with me, including beef stew, chicken salad, Chili Lime Chicken Wings, and assorted vegetables, nuts and fruits. I have GOT this! I'm starting to consider perhaps making this a #Whole60!

 :)October 21 – DAY 21

Brunch for the drive home from Spokane

October 25 – DAY 25
I was whipping up a batch of mayonnaise and my stick blender broke! It was a cheap one (Toastmaster), but I've only used it a handful of times! I bought it far too long ago to try to send it back, SO I bought a new one...a KitchenAid with some COOL attachments and a GREAT warranty! Wheeeeee!!! Can't wait to get it! Happy Birthday to me a little bit early! LOL

 Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! Chicken, green beans, pecans, cilantro, mint, basil and mayo. #Whole30 yummy!

October 26 – DAY 26
Breakfast Day 26: pork tenderloin, tomato, cucumber, egg, strawberries, blueberries. I LOVE eating #Whole30! Thinking of making it a #Whole60 !

October 28 – DAY 28
Lunch, and my new cookbook that just arrived yesterday and is amazing! Will be using it lots this weekend! #Whole30 #WellFed

October 29 – DAY 29
Today is Day 29 of my Whole30. I feel so good that I'm thinking about making it a Whole45! The hardest thing to give up has been sour cream, cheese and alcohol, but I also haven't had any IBS symptoms since Day 5, and I used to have those on a nearly DAILY basis. So reintroducing the foods I've not had for the past 29 days makes me a little nervous...is it gluten? Dairy? ALCOHOL? (*GASP*) 

I've had a few go-to dishes, with enough variety that I haven't gotten bored,but I need to increase my repertoire. I just got the brand new Well-Fed Weeknights book by Melissa Joulan. It's a cookbook of complete Paleo meals in 45 minutes or less. Most, if not all of the recipes are also Whole30 compliant. I freaking LOVE this book! I've just recently gotten her other 2 books as well, but this one is the BEST! She gives you directions on exactly what to prep ahead of time (an hour or two on the weekend), then you can throw together an amazing meal in less than 45 minutes...and she gives you step-by-step directions. I think this book is going to be the most-used one I have.

October 30 – DAY 30

DONE!   Dinner: baked sweet potato, beef & broccoli sesame stir fry, English cucumber and bell pepper

October 31 – Day 31

So, I’ve completed the Whole30.  Textbook perfect, other than the couple of Quest Bars that I indulged in.   All semantics, Quest bars are “clean” and acceptable to the Primal way of eating, I just need to be careful with them! It’s too easy to keep them in my nightstand and have one as a bedtime snack, even if I’m not hungry. And the Paleo Granola.  I’m not buying that stuff again. WAY too easy to sit and eat the whole damn bag, which is more like 6 servings.  I’ve found some Sweet Potato chips that I enjoy as well, and I can also see them becoming an issue if I don’t watch myself.

Anyway, I feel great, I'm really enjoying the food I eat and I’m down about 20 lbs!   I enjoy not constantly wanting chips, pastries, candy, pasta, etc.   I've learned that the MOST important key to success is to plan ahead!  A lady at work did the Whole30 with me, and she hated every minute but she didn't plan ahead at all.  One day (on a weekend no less!) she ate nothing but three apples! Not only does that mess with your blood sugar BIG time, but it also only supports the disordered eating patterns that I'm sure all of us here experience! I don't consider what she did anything close to resembling Whole30.  And I doubt that she lost any weight either.

One thing that that illustrates so perfectly is if you try to wing it on this plan, you'll fail.  Or, to quote someone much smarter than me:

When I followed the paleo/primal/grain-free way of eating about a year ago, I was very successful with it until I started leaning a little too much on "paleo-fied" junk. Quest bars, Paleo Granola, etc. Those things are all well and good unless I start over-using them. They are meant to be OCCASIONAL things. Plus I ate FAR too much cheese. So inevitably, I quit losing weight, and that "I don't give a damn" attitude started creeping back, and before I knew it I was face-first in the toxic pit of processed foods, and within a few months I'd gained everything back that I'd lost and THEN some.  I was hurting all over again, I was gaining at an alarming rate, my mobility was suffering…and I kept at it until I reached an all-time highest weight.  I was only a few lbs from 300 lbs, and I felt worse physically and emotionally than I’d ever felt before! 

I've decided to extend it...maybe I'll go for a Whole45 or Whole60. I suspect that my body is intolerant to dairy, but I'm not ready to test the theory yet...I enjoy having a normal and regular digestive system way too much! Soooooo....here's to Day 31 of Whole30!