Compulsive Overeating

Will I ever figure this out or will I be fighting it...or giving in to it...for the rest of my life? 

I ate another bag of dates Monday night...the whole bag.  Which is about 720 calories, 176 carbs and 160 g of sugar!  I KNOW that I didn't savor each date...tasting the flavor and sweetness...I just popped them in my mouth one after the other until the bag was gone.  And the "Just the Cheese" crackers.  They are in individual packages, but I would eat two or three at a sitting.  Those are 150 calories each, with 26g of fat.  I have also drank alcohol a few time...including an entire bottle from the time I got home from work to bed time...twice.

This is what compulsive overeating looks like to me...

I am always pissed at myself afterwards, then my inner voice starts berating me...calling me fat, stupid, undisciplined...telling me that I'm always going to be obese, that I don't have the willpower or the discipline to succeed. Then I feel defeated, depressed, hopeless. Until I can work up the mental fortitude to try again. Sometimes it takes days, weeks or months to do that. 

SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO DO IT?

Why is food such a major part of my life that I'm obsessed with it...with eating as much as I can, whenever I can. Thinking about what I'm going to eat next...while I'm still eating!  It's my happiness, my soothing, my emotional release...I turn to it for everything...it's my comfort. 

This is definitely something I'm trying to work out with my therapist.  I need to practice the tools I'm learning...to pause and give thanks before I eat.  To think about why I'm eating it before I get started. To consider if I'm nurturing my body or my mind with what I'm about to consume.

Many people in the WLS forums claim that after their surgery that they pretty much lose their obsession with food...that they actually have to REMIND themselves to eat, and that they eat to live...rather than living to eat.  I have lived to eat for all of my life. From my very earliest memories, food was my comfort and obsession. I pray that I get there, that the surgery will be the missing piece to finally end my obsession and compulsion with food. 

First Bagel of 2018 - and LAST

So this morning I did as I've been doing for the last several weeks.

I proceeded to not give a single shit about what I was eating or eating clean.  I had a jalapeno-cheddar bagel and three eggs scrambled with a probably 2 oz slice of cheddar cheese.  This was formerly one of my favorite breakfasts to whip up in the morning after I got ready for work, wrap in foil (to melt the cheese) and eat later when I was at my desk.

It wasn't as good as I'd remembered. And I've been feeling like crap since...heartburn, stomach bloated, and I'd be willing to bet that I'll be blessed with a case of the runs before the day is over. I'm kicking myself in the ass for eating it, I'm feeling full and bloated and heart-burney, and yet I'm still thinking about the pepperoni and bbq pork in the fridge, along with asian chicken salad, cabbage roll casserole, etcetra.

I've been far too lax with how I've been eating. I'm supposed to be working on eating slower, enjoying my food, chewing it thoroughly, and PORTION control.  The last few weeks it seems as though I've thrown all those intentions to the wind.

It started with dates. No added sugar so they are fine, right? Yeah, if I stuck to 5 dates (1 serving) they would be fine. But I don't have just one serving, I eat the whole damn bag. Then I moved on to PopChips.  It's not like they're real potato chips, right? They're low fat! Almost like rice cakes.  Again...I eat the whole damn bag. Another slippery food is the cheese crisps. 100% cheese, so they are fine, right?  Yes, they'd be ok if I stuck to a serving...but yet again...I eat the whole bag. I also had take-out several times...Chic-Fil-A, Pad Thai Express, Eagans.  It's INSANITY! It's like I have no self-control at all, that I don't care, that I'd rather stuff crap in my face than be healthy. Or that I'm trying to eat everything now, because I know I won't be able to eat it later. If I run with that thought I may as well just give up now as I'll gain every pound I've lost since Jan 1st back, and THEN some, and the insurance will say HELL NO! to my surgery.  It's funny...I just remembered when I was seriously considering WLS about 5 years ago, even went to a seminar, I went on an all-out binge afterwards that lasted for months and months. Gained a shit-load of weight. It was like I was trying to make it impossible to actually qualify for surgery, and by the time my reason returned, I had decided I could do it without taking such a drastic action. That worked real well for me - NOT.

Granted, it's been a shitty month and a half; on Valentine's Day we found out that Max has cancer. It's been stressful spending so much money on chemo that we KNOW won't change the outcome. It's been stressful having to keep Max in a diaper since he can't seem to let us know he has to pee until it's too late. It's been stressful with Faith appearing to be in relapse for the SRMA and having to put her back on predisone. Her bark has also totally changed, from a deep throaty bark to a yappy ankle biter bark. I'm taking her in next Friday to get checked out (again)...blood tests this time to check her thyroid. And I'll probably cancel my therapy appointment so I can be there.

I'm also stressing over this huge step of Gastric Sleeve surgery. It's like 10 weeks away. Holy crap.. I'll be letting them cut out over 80% of my stomach in a final grand attempt at overcoming morbid obesity. Will I fail? Is it all for nothing?

Reading all the posts from people on the journey has me totally freaked out...but I keep telling myself that only the ones with bad experiences write the majority of the posts. Will I be able to deal with the pre-op diet?  I believe Dr. S said that will be 2 weeks of 2 protein shakes and one small meal per day.  I think I can handle that.  But then after surgery...a week (or two?) of clear liquids, then pureed foods for another couple weeks...then slowly finding out what I can handle without getting sick.  God, people think this is the EASY way out?  What a delusion, to think this is the easy way out. It's going to be harder than anything I've ever done in my life, and I'm getting so paranoid that it will be all for nothing, that I will fail at this too and will be morbidly obese until I draw my last breath. This is my last chance at being normal...and I am so afraid that I won't succeed.

But that's all just excuses. Something I'm an expert at. And it's got to stop. No excuses. Period.

I've already got my tickets and hotel for the big conference in Anaheim in October. The Obesity Helps conference Oct 5 & 6. Nancy is planning on going with me and I am really looking forward to it. I'll be about 4 months post-op by then and I can't even imagine what weight I'll be at. I am really hoping that I'll be able to fit into my beautiful dirndl dress that I bought from Europe to wear at Maifest (but never wore because it was too tight). They have a costume party on Friday night and it would be SO fun to wear that, and carry a stuffed Berner. 

I'm also getting my new exercise machine on Monday, and will have it assembled and ready to use Wednesday night. It's an elliptal / recumbent bike in one.  So I will be able to exercise even if my feet and/or back are hurting. I am REALLY excited by that and hopefully being able to exercise regularly again will pump up my motivation.  I'm not turning back. It's do or die this time.

DANGER ZONE Foods

I'm finding that there are certain foods that are fine for the way of eating I'm doing...but they are just too easy for me to overeat with.  These are foods I need to avoid because I can't seem to stop with one serving, and they are either really high in calories or really high in fat.

The cheese chips.

 Oh my heaven, I can eat these forever...they are so good, but they absolutely do not  fill me up...yeah, I've tried.  So I'm not going to bring these into the house any more.  They are super high in fat, and go down way too easily.  Sonoma Creamery also makes cheddar crisps as well as the cheese and bacon crisps that Costco carries.  DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

DATES  
I easily ate over 1200 calories of dates (from the Date Lady - they are AMAZING!).  I can't seem to just pull 5 dates (1 serving) out of the bag and be satisfied with that.  Nope.  I eat the whole bag.  Then pull out another bag and eat that too.  I can't even imagine how much sugar that was.  Did it fill me up?  Not even close.  Not going to order those anymore either.  Just not safe to have around. 

These are the two most recent danger zone foods.  I don't know if I will ever be able to have them...and stop at just one serving.  So it's better to just skip them altogether.

More Wisdom from the FB Support Group

As I look in the mirror this morning I am made keenly aware that my body has many imperfections.

Saggy boobs
saggy thighs
saggy arms
crepey skin...

But I am also reminded that all of those imperfections are imperfectly perfect. They tell me that I:

Have lost a considerable amount of weight
can breathe
can touch my toes
can sleep
can walk up and down stairs
can wear boots
am off many medications
am getting healthier by the day

When I see those girls at the gym whispering or snickering at my jiggling beauties they don't know:

Where I've been
Who I am
What my journey has been like.

I will not be a slave to:
Societal Standards
The scale
My low self-esteem
Fear

I will empower myself to:
Embrace my successes
Embrace my scars
Not compare me to others
NEVER GIVE UP

My journey is my own.
I do not owe anybody an explanation.
I do not need to change who I am for someone else.
I will own my journey and know that it is my choices that cause me to succeed or fail.
Failure only happens when I stop trying.

I stand in front of the mirror every day and have this conversation with myself.

You can do it! Don't ever give up.

Much love from a 62-year-old 1-year sleever.

Discipline! Consistency! New Habits!

Discpline.  Consistency. New Habits.  These are three things that I have GOT to work on, not just in the way I eat, but in all areas of my life.  Like this blog, for example!  I want this blog to be a record of this life-saving (life-changing) journey that I'm on, yet if I don't blog, there's no record.

Discipline.  This is something that I'm really coming up short on.  I keep losing sight of what I want most, and going for what I want right now.  Whether it's something I buy, or something I eat, or something I do, I am very habituated to instant-gratification.  I have bursts of self-discipline, but they rarely last longer than a few weeks or months. 

I absolutely HAVE to practice this...it's not something that comes naturally to me, so I have to keep doing it, daily, and it will become more and more natural to me. I'm so self-indulgent, and that self-indulgence has gotten me to this point...where I am willing to let them remove over 80% of my stomach so that I can finally lose the weight.   I must keep in the forefront of my mind what I want most. I will weigh every decision I make, everything I put in my mouth, against what I want MOST.  Do I want that (fill in the blank) right now, even MORE than I want to be a normal size, healthy and active and enjoying being in my own body? 

I commit right now, that before I eat anything that isn't part of my plan I will ask myself if I want that more than what I want most.  

Consistency.  I need to be consistent in blogging. It not only helps keep me motivated in this journey, but it helps me to put my thoughts down...to see where my head is going...and to have a record of this process. 

I have only blogged twice so far this year, and one of those times was simply copying a wonderful post from a Bariactric FB group!  I need to be consistent in my blogging...make it a habit to blog at LEAST once a week...ideally more often than that.  There is so much that happened since I last blogged a month ago that I haven't blogged about.  My new PCP, my continuing therapy with Janys, the acupuncture I've been getting, the experience with my feet and trying to get that resolved.  My new SUV!  Refinancing my mortgage. The monster boss at work.  SO many things that have been happening that I haven't written about.  I really regret that.  And I don't want to live a life with regrets. 

So right now...right here....I am committing to blogging at least ONCE A WEEK.

New Habits.  My old habits haven't worked very good for me, obviously.  I need to develop new habits BEFORE I have my surgery.  I need to make it a habit to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours.  And to eat only what I have planned to eat. I need to BREAK the habit of night-time grazing. I need to make it a habit to eat slowly and mindfully.  To actually experience every bite, and to chew each bite at least 10-15 times.  I still eat very fast, and am barely conscious when I do it. I still look at my plate in surprise when I've finished, because I eat so fast, and without even thinking about the bite in my mouth.  Also, I need to make it a habit to move more every day. Right now it's difficult because of my issues with my feet (Plantar Faciitis and tendinitis) but I am seeing a foot doctor (who is GORGEOUS, btw) and I really believe that I am improving and will be back on the treadmill every morning very soon!  I also want to start kettlebell training again.  Kettlebells will be a huge part of this journey, and of my overall health. 

Right now, I am committing to eating slower and more mindfully, and to start moving more, as my feet allow. 

In my last session with Janys, she told me to work on finding other ways to soothe myself, rather than using food to do it.  I have been soothing myself with food this past week or so. Worrying about Max having cancer, stressing over the work situation...but I'm using it as an excuse.  I will find other ways to soothe my soul, other than eating. 

Til next time....Discipline!  Consistency!  New habits!

Let's Talk About Expectations

This was posted in one of my FB Bariatric groups...and I loved it so much that I want to preserve it here so I can come back to it when I need to.  

TODAY, LET’S TALK ABOUT EXPECTATIONS.

Mainly unrealistic expectations. We have spent years, decades even, being overweight and eventually morbidly obese. The swollen knees, painful joints, high blood pressure, high cholesterol have taken its toll.

We choose bariatric surgery to help us to make permanent changes to the way we live and the way we eat. This will finally be the answer we need for our multitudes of problems. Our date has arrived; now our surgery has happened. We’re sipping, we’re walking, we’re chugging down protein. Now, here comes the expectations part.

Suddenly, we believe that the years of weight we have layered on will magically disappear like a thief in the night. The day after surgery we are disappointed because we’re heavier than we were before we went in. We forget that we were pumped up full of fluids during the procedure.

Things snowball and you begin to question why you even had surgery.

Three weeks have gone by and you’ve only lost 17 pounds; you haven’t lost anything in three whole days! What’s wrong here? Why am I not losing? What’s wrong with my band? What’s wrong with my pouch? What’s wrong with my sleeve?

Answer: Absolutely nothing. What’s wrong is our thinking. Why is there the need to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to drop a massive amount of weight in a short amount of time?

Why do we constantly compare our losses to other folks and think of ourselves as failures when our losses are slower? We never compared our weight gains with others and become depressed when we found out that Robin gained less than I did last month.

Who determines what is “fast” and what is “slow”?

When is the last time we lost pounds in the double digits in two weeks?

Why are we putting ourselves on a timeline?

What’s the hurry – where are we going?

What happens when we get there?

Here’s the thing… our doctors guaranteed that our surgery would result in weight loss as long as we followed the guidelines.

What no doctor can guarantee is the rate of speed it comes off, how your body looks afterwards, how your family and friends treat you afterwards, if your relationship survives, or whether you’ll have complications.

Remember, this is a journey, not a sprint. You won’t win a prize for losing weight the fastest, nor will you be burned at the stake for losing weight at a rate that you consider slow. Your journey (just like you) is unique.

Follow your plan, make great nutrition choices, walk, and enjoy the ride. If your best friend came to you and told you that he or she lost “only 12 pounds in two weeks”, would you congratulate them for doing such an excellent job with their weight loss or would you shake your finger at them and say “THAT’S TERRIBLY SLOW”?

Why can’t we give ourselves that same encouragement? Think about it!

So 2018 is Starting to Turn Around

2018 is going to be MY year. I'm claiming it, and it's going to be the year of my rebirth!
 

I had my second appointment with my new therapist on the 5th. I'm confident that we are a good fit and that she is going to help me work through all my issues so that I will succeed beyond what I even dare imagine.  I see her again on the 19th and I am really looking forward to it! The report from my psych eval came back...8 pages!  But it appears that I'm very motivated and an ideal candidate for WLS...with the caveat of getting a therapist to work through the self-soothing I do with food.  Ha...I had already seen my therapist twice before the report even came out! 

I see my new primary care doc on the 17th...I hope he is supportive about the WLS.  If he isn't, I'll just keep shopping until I find one who is. I wish I could stay with Amber, but she's not on my insurance plan, so if I do see her it will all be out of my pocket. Still, it may be worth it, just for the support of this journey I'm on.  We'll see how it goes when I meet Dr. Katz. One thing I am really excited about is that he's an osteopath and does the osteopathic manipulations, so that will be a great way to keep my back, hips, etc. functioning. 

I'm also seeing an acupuncturist next week. Hopefully get some help with my foot, though it's doing sooooo much better already, with the weight that I've dropped just since the 1st of the year.

I joined a 30 Day Sugar-Free challenge that started on the 1st...it cost like $40, but I really think it was the jump start that I was so in need of. It also comes with a lifetime membership in the private Facebook group, which seems to be uber-supportive.  I've been tracking all my food in SparkPeople, and I have dropped 16 POUNDS between Jan 1st and today, January 12th. 

Yeah, I know how to eat well.  I know how to diet.  But very soon my body is going to realize what's happening and it will come screeching to a halt. I'm going to hide my scale when that happens so it doesn't play those awful head games with me.

I saw the nutritionist on Wednesday. She was very pleased with my tracking and my loss...not going to change anything that I'm doing yet...