Self-Discipline and Mindfulness

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've blogged. I tell myself that I'm going to be more consistent and blog at least once a week, and then I don't blog for over a month?? I want this to be a record of my journey, but if I don't post regularly, it's not much of a record. I WILL get more consistent with this and write at least once a week. Maybe on Sundays, and other days as well if I have something I want to write about. I just need to DO it rather than just thinking about it.  This is an important piece of this journey, as well as a good exercise in self-discipline and consistency.

I've made good progress...last time I got on the scale I was down a total of 78 lbs since starting this journey on January 1, 2018. I'll get on the scale again when I have my 2-month checkup on Thursday. Hopefully it will be a good visit. I'm really hesitant about anticipating a number on the scale, last time I did that I was disappointed.

Either way, things are happening. I'm culling through my clothes...weekly! It seems I'm at that between sizes stage most of the time. Something fits great...for about a week then it starts bagging and sagging. I've got a lot of clothes that don't fit yet, but they  will soon! I just hope I can get into one of my new swimsuits by the time the conference happens Oct 4th! 

Anyway, I'm learning every day about my new reality. About eating past that "full" signal and then being full of regrets as well as terribly uncomfortable. I'm learning about how much I'd made a habit of eating in bed, AFTER I go to bed. I'm learning how hard it is to break long-ingrained habits. I'm learning to eat in small bites and eat slowly, rather than wolfing down my food in record time. 

I have a Valley Athletic Club membership, thanks to Ken's employer! For FREE!  There is no way I'd ever be able to be a member of that exclusive gym, so this is such an amazing blessing! I've started doing deep-water cardio...that is REALLY a work out. I'm not very good at it yet...everyone else stays in one place during the moves, while yours truly is traveling all over the pool and trying not to bounce off anyone. Most everyone in the class are quite a bit older...and it is SO cool to see people at that age who are fit and healthy!  I think I'm going to hire a personal trainer for a few sessions...hopefully I'll learn some good exercises that will strengthen the muscles around my knees and help improve the pain.  I just can't believe how much my knees are torturing me...it makes it impossible to exercise the way I'd like to. I just have to keep pressing on, and hopefully as I get stronger and lose more weight, my knees will improve and I won't be in constant pain.

I'm also going to start swinging my kettlebells again...AFTER my 2-month appointment...I'm afraid if I start before then my muscles will be all full of glycogen and I'll show a gain. 

Anyway, there's so very much to this process...there is NOTHING easy about this. BUT, this is what is going to get me to my goal.

Buyer's Remorse

Many people in the WLS community talk about experiencing "Buyer's Remorse" in the first few weeks post-surgery.  I think I'm experiencing it now. Anyone who says that this is the easy way out is delusional, ignorant and stupid.

I am obsessing over what I can and cannot eat, and pissed off that there's so much I can't eat, that I have to restrict my calories and carbs so much, that my servings are so tiny, that I have to wait 30 min after I eat before I can have a drink of water, that I haven't lost 50 lbs (and it's almost 4 weeks!).

OK, that last one was pretty ridiculous, and I need to stay the hell off the scale and just go by how I am feeling and how my clothes are fitting. I asked Ken to bring out my scale a couple days ago because I was feeling so skinny (HA) and my weight wasn't anywhere near what I expected to be.  I fully expected to be down at least 10 lbs more than I was, and I realize that it's ridiculous to feel that way, but it doesn't change how I'm feeling right now.

I have an appointment with my therapist next Friday and I am SO ready for it.  This shit is real.

I've had Ken hide my scale again because it really does do a mind-f**k on me. It has far too much power over me and makes me want to STUFF MY FACE. I'm not hungry but I want to stuff my face.

I also did not do the treadmill this morning. I needed to give my knee a break, it was hurting so bad yesterday and it's a struggle to go up and down stairs again.  Once again, I've overdone it...16 days in a row, from 10 minutes when I first started to 35 minutes.  I HAVE to go slower. I have to increase the time and intensity much more gradually, or I am going to end up so crippled that I won't be able to do anything at all.

SparkPeople, has some really cool "trend" reports that I can run. When I look at the trend over the last month, I'm actually doing pretty good, though it looks like I was carb-cycling for that last week or so. But my averages are all right spot on.  Spark doesn't let me put my daily calorie count under 1000 but my actual goal is 600-700 per day. Closer to the lower range.

I'll figure this out. I have no choice. I will NOT fail.

Insanity and Coming Out

So I "outed" myself on Facebook and told my "real life" friends and family about my surgery and this journey.  I've been really reticent about doing this as I simply can't deal with judgement and people (who have NEVER had a weight problem) telling me that if I only exercised more and ate less, yada-yada-yada.  I have to say I'm really surprised at the swelling of support that I've gotten.  It really warms my heart and motivates me that the people I care about are behind me 100% and understand exactly why I did this. I feel like I have my tribe behind me, cheering me on!  It really feels amazing.

It's going to be nice to be able to share my milestones and victories (scale and non-scale) with people...as well as those times I feel down because things aren't happening as fast as I want. I just hope they don't get sick of my posting about this. I suppose if they do, they can turn off notifications.

I'm really enjoying the "Bariatric Mindset Mavens" group. Kristin posts some things that really cause me to stop and think...and consider. This morning she went live and did some relaxation/breathing demonstrations that can really help me center myself and remember why I'm doing this and what my goals and dreams are.

I feel like I'm doing really well so far.  I'm still staying away from the scale and just going with how I am feeling. I am so much more active. Instead of asking Ken to step and fetch for me, I'm doing it myself...down to the garage, upstairs to the bedroom, outside to the mailbox.  Amazing how I want to do everything myself when it doesn't hurt to do it!

I'm still not getting in the fluids like I should...I should be drinking a minimum of 64 oz a day and it's often an effort.  I made some herbal iced tea today. It's mango/ginger and it is really good!  That will definitely help me get the fluids in...I'm already on my second pint.

I still like water, but I need to work on my timing, since I have to wait 10 minutes after drinking to eat, then 30 minutes after eating to drink.

I think a lot of the time when I feel "hunger" it's actually thirst, so I'm going to be concentrating on getting fluids in when I feel that hunger...if I'm still hungry after I drink a glass of water or tea, then I'll wait 10 minutes and eat.  But I suspect that drinking the iced herbal tea is going to help.

I'm really getting into the habit of night eating...popsicles after I go to bed, and last night I had a protein bar too.  Over 350 calories AFTER going to bed. Definitely need to cut that out COMPLETELY.  No eating in bed. Not even (or especially?) popsicles.

Bariatric Mindset (also known as It's Getting Real!)

I'm now starting my 4th week post-surgery. I feel like I'm doing really well though I have no idea what I weigh. I had Ken hide my scale and he won't give it back!  Well, I'm sure he would if I pitched a fit, but I am really trying to avoid the scale, at least for now. It just has far too much power over me and can really mess up my emotions. I'm just going to trust the process and continue to do what Dr. Sebesta and Nancy (my nutritionist) tell me to do. They're the experts!

Me at the beginning (Jan 1) and currently

I had my two week post-up with Dr. Sebesta and he was thrilled with my progress. I have another appointment with Nancy on the 11th, just over a month post-op, so I will know what the scale says then. But my clothes are seriously getting too big and I'm starting to fit into clothes that I haven't been able to wear for several years...some of them are brand new and I can't wait to start wearing them! The picture to the right is me when I first started this journey in January, and then me on June 26. It's getting real.

I've also discovered an incredible new tool that I think is going to be an amazing resource for me.  I found the book, Bariatric Mindset, on Kindle and started reading it and I was so impressed with it that I found the FB group and am now an active member. I also bought the hard copy of the book, as well as a reflection journal and a 6 month accountability workbook. 

The creator of Bariatric Mindset is Kristin Lloyd and her insight and compassion come from having been on this journey herself since her own surgery.  Five years ago she weighed 411 lbs - then she got her gastric sleeve and is now a normal weight and successful at maintaining.  She is also a psychologist and life-coach and has turned her journey into a program that is helping thousands of WLS people. I've chatted with her in the FB group and I will be meeting her in PERSON at the conference in October. I am super excited about that! I hope to be able to consider her my mentor and example of success on my own journey post WLS. 

She posts a different theme every day, and today's them is:

Happy Conscious Living Thursday...

Let's practice consciousness...

In today's practice, I'm going to give you some prompts to think.

It's up to you the results you'll get because if you journal them or do some deeper introspection, you'll likely get more insight.

When are you most triggered by food? When I'm bored, or when I'm feeling negative emotions (anger, sadness), all I feel like doing is eating whatever I can find, the crappier the better. I think I'm soothing myself, but I'm only hurting myself. I need to practice more self-respect and self-love when it comes to what I'm putting in my body.

When do you have the most difficulty staying on track? When I don't see or feel results.  It feels futile to me to put out so much effort and not see any return. Also, when I'm feeling very emotional. Negative emotions especially - anger, sadness, self-loathing, uselessness and futility. And yet, feeding those emotions only makes it worse, and even more difficult to pull myself out of the pit.

When are you most likely to stay on track? When I'm seeing and feeling the results of my efforts!  When I feel strong and capable and useful. When I'm exercising regularly and feeding my physical hunger, rather than my emotional hunger. When I'm respecting myself by eating only quality, whole foods.

What fitness makes you feel the best? It's gotta be kettlebells. They make me feel strong and capable, and they build up the fitness level so quickly and efficiently. I'm definitely planning to start working out with them again as soon as I'm cleared!

What foods make your body feel the best? quality, whole foods. High protein.  Also when I'm well hydrated.

What foods (after you eat them) make your body feel lethargic, or the worse?  Crap foods:  Sugar, simple carbs, high fat...basically the foods I feed my emotions with: Chips, pastries, bread, deep fried anything, pasta, candy, cakes...

When are you most happy?  When I feel like I'm in control of my life, my diet, my fitness, my career...that all makes me happy.

When are you most in your zone of flow?  Not sure what "zone of flow" means. I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet!  LOL

What did you notice about these answers and about your life?  Feeding myself with quality, whole foods, staying hydrated and exercising regularly make me feel like I have control and that I'm taking care of myself emotionally as well as physically. Eating junk, drinking beverages other than water (alcohol!) and being sedentary makes me feel terrible, emotionally and physically. I feel like it's just not worth putting out any efforts at all to improve my life and emotions. I feel like I'm not worth it. I'm definitely an emotional eater...and when I do that, my moods and the physical aches and pains and my frame of mind just get worse and worse until I can't even see a way to pull myself out of it.

Conscious living.. you want to lose the weight and after surgery, it's more about your life beyond the weight. <3

One Week Post Op

Well, it's done! I've officially gotten the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG). 

I'm a little discouraged right now, a week later. I had an immediate 10 lb gain, which is very normal after surgery, so I didn't worry about it. But it seems like it's taking forever to get back to my official pre-surgery weight.

I had Ken hide the scale, then I demanded it back. Then the next day I had him hide it again. It's really messing with my mind. Maybe I'll get it back when the real weight loss starts.

I have my post-op appointment next Tuesday the 19th with Dr. Sebesta...I HAVE to have lost something by then.  I'm not stepping on a scale until then, no matter how much I want to. I did this surgery so I can finally reach my goals, and stop obsessing about things.  Thank God I have an appt with Janys this Friday. So many things running through my head that I need to turn off.

Anyway, I'm on full liquids now, for 2 weeks, then I move on toe pureed, then as I can tolerate, soft foods. I'm following the plan perfectly.  I didn't do this to fail. This is my last chance, so I need to make SURE that it works.  And I will.

Tomorrow's the Day

Welp, it's finally arrived. I've been working hard the last 6 months to get here. I've been on my pre-op diet for the last 2 weeks and haven't deviated.  I didn't lose as much as I'd thought I would, and hopefully that's not a sign of what's to come.  I have lost over 40 lbs since I started this journey, so I'm praying it will continue and that I will lose another 110. I'm going to work my ass off to make sure it happens.

TOMORROW I will be sleeved and the best of the rest of my life will begin! 

People are going to judge me and say I'm taking the easy way out and that is nothing but ignorance talking. There is nothing easy about this. And they haven't been in my body for the past 50 years, struggling to lose weight, losing some and then gaining it all back and more. Over and over and over.  I hate hearing from people who have never struggled with their weight "All you have to do is move more and eat less!"  Well, maybe so. IF you have a normal metabolism, which I do not. I have a metabolism that is nearly non-existent, along with metabolic disorder, high blood pressure, high triglycerides, etc. This is my final effort to become a normal weight. To wear normal-sized clothes. To be able to walk and hike and kayak with no difficulty or pain. To be able to EXERCISE and swing kettlebells without pain (other than well-worked muscles).

I am taking this huge drastic step to save my life.

I'm getting stuff done in preparation...clean sheets on the bed (a requirement as I will be using special wipes to wipe my whole body down before going to bed), nighty washed (I'm taking a nighty that almost looks like a dress to do my post-op walking in)...I still haven't packed a bag yet, but that's on the list.  Most important thing to take will be my cell phone and portable battery pack and charger!

I had some stress in getting my prescriptions filled...Rite Aid didn't have the anti-nausea patch and said it couldn't be gotten anywhere in the country...well, they lied, or it's only their suppliers, because it's available almost anywhere else. Plus, I had to have insurance pre-auth for the liquid pain meds...I finally just asked my center to send the scripts to the hospital pharmacy, as it's in my network.

I then went to get a blood draw...the place was shut from noon to 1pm and of course I got there right before noon. So they sent me over to the pediatric lab right next door. I told the phlebotomist that it should be easy-peasy to get the blood from my adult-sized veins. Heheheh, and it was. AND I got a bright yellow Crayon band-aid! 

I'm feeling really nervous and anxious...as well as hopeful and excited. 

Nancy didn't get approved yet. Waaaa! There's something in her psych report that is causing the insurance to hesitate, so unless she gets the approval from them today, she will have to reschedule.  Mine went right through, and I think much of the reason for that is because I've been in therapy for the last 6 months to deal with my eating disorder. No one gets to be morbidly obese unless they have a eating disorder and I want to learn to conquer it. It makes me sad that Nancy wasn't approved.  We've been in this together from the beginning. But I am now friends with another gal from my town (met her at the pre-op nutrition class), and she's getting sleeved tomorrow too!  So at least I'll have someone to walk the halls with and continue this journey with. Maybe they'll put us in the same room!  I'll ask when I check in.

My daughter is going to the hospital with us and will be there for the day. Ken will have to come home once I'm out of recovery so he can take care of Sophie, then he'll come back, but Monica will be with me. I really doubt that I'm going to be very good company, but she wants to be there, so bless her heart.

So I guess this is it. My next blog post will be post-surgery. 

Surgery Less Than 4 Days Away...

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm feeling...I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I'm excited, of course, and anxious, and I think I'm a little sad that I got to the point where weight loss surgery is my last option. And it is...this is it. I have to succeed at this because it truly is my last chance to ever become a "normal" sized person.

Some people on the OH board are so caustic, already telling me that I'm going to gain, "bounce back" (which is just a nice way to say gain). They're saying that if I'm believing that I WON'T gain that I'm arrogant and I know nothing. Maybe they've gained...some have gained a LOT, or never reached their goal to start with, but I am going to work my ass off to keep it off once I've got it off.  I've blocked some of them...maybe they have some good advice, but I'm not going to dig through their nastiness to find it.  I've also heard from a number of people in OH, privately.

Warning me about the "Oracles of OH" who have been there for years, some for over a decade or more. OH must be their whole life because they seem to be there 24/7.  But they are very venomous and rapacious, especially to newbies who question them and if you don't agree with one...good grief, it's like feeding a seagull a crust and then being attacked by a whole horde!  Maybe I'm over-sensitive because of the diet and the upcoming surgery, except I  remember years ago when I was considering WLS and found OH. I saw the same thing then - from many of the same people I'm seeing it from now. I left the board then, because I don't need that kind of acrimony and pessimism in my life, so I don't somehow don't think it's just because of my emotional state right now. I wonder how many newbies they have driven away with their capriciousness?  And seeing the newer folk do obeisance to them, in hopes of one day being a part of their ensemble. I can't help but roll my eyes. The block function is so nice...and I'm sure I'll be using it more as time goes by and people reveal themselves.

Anyway, I've communicated with some very nice people, privately, and they are super supportive, kind and have lots and lots of experience and knowledge that they are happy to share.

I'm on day 11 of the pre-op diet. It's gone fine...I haven't deviated at all. I was losing pretty good, then suddenly my body started pushing back and I've gained a pound in 2 days. I shoved my scale under my bed. Though that didn't slow me down this morning. I pulled it out and weighed and saw that I was up again. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so much ennui right now. That scale has far too much power over me. Way too much.

I've done really well these past 6 months, with about a 3 week leap off the wagon when Max and Faith died. I've lost about 40 pounds and I'm already feeling so much better.

Sooooo, I'm not getting on it again until they weigh me for pre-op. I think that will be on the 5th, and maybe again just before surgery on the 7th. Maybe I'll just have Ken hide it for me. Maybe he'll find the last one he hid for me. *snort*
I think he's hidden a couple of scales for me. Maybe I need to keep my scale, just in an inconvenient place so it doesn't end up "somewhere" but we don't know where. Like so much else in this house!  I did get my bedroom shoveled out and got rid of a LOT of clothes that are either too big or that I'll never ever wear so there's that anyway.

I'm nervous. I admit it. I'm nervous that I'll have a complication during or after surgery, I'm nervous that it won't work for me and I won't lose the weight, I'm nervous that I'm taking such a huge step and I'm nervous about how I will need to be VERY aware and careful of what I eat afterwards. For the rest of my life. But I guess I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't feeling all that right now, right?

One thing I AM really excited about - I AM GOING TO BE OFF WORK FOR OVER A MONTH!

Too bad I have to get most of my stomach removed to do it!  HAHAHAHA