SURGERY IN 10 DAYS!

I can't believe it.  It's really happening!  It's only 10 days away (provided the Insurance approves, but they don't think it's going to be an issue).  

Nancy and I went to our pre-op nutrition class...learned about the pre-op diet and post-op. It was good. I've done enough research that I didn't really learn anything new, other than every surgeon is different as to their requirements!  Our pre-surgery appointment is June 5...OMG, I can't believe how fast this is coming!  

I'm on the 14 day pre-op diet now, today is day 4. I can have protein shakes (made with almond milk), broth, miso soup, sugar free jello (I make it with protein added, so it's even healthy!), sugar free popsicles and then one meal a day that consists of 4 oz of protein, and 2-4 cups of vegetables, as long as they're not the starchy stuff. It's been very tolerable so far. I hope I'll still be feeling that way in another week or so.  😊

I've already spent several hours today going through clothes. And I've barely made a dent. My God, I am such a clothes hoarder, it is truly ridiculous! It's a sickness. I pull something out that I would probably never wear, and think "I might wear that!" ARGH. I'm packing up a lot of things I'll never wear, even if they fit, and taking them down to the YWCA or the DV shelter. They always have women who have nothing and need business professional type clothes for interviews and jobs. And they are always short on plus size. I'm sorting by size...current size, next size, next size, then the last size. Ooops, I better re-posses those brand-new with tags Dress Barn slacks in size 14. I may wear them as all my other slacks will be too big. SEE? I'm incorrigible! 😄 I'm really trying though. I've got to let go of most of it, because I will NEVER wear much of it...and a lot are fall and winter...and by then, I'll be MUCH smaller.

Once I get to be a comfortable 12 I will have to buy new clothes. What a shame.

And my SHOES! I'm a shoe hoarder too. I need therapy. Wait, I AM in therapy. She'll be proud of me when I tell her I've got a start on this. I've got a lot of sneakers and shoes that I'll take down to the Union Gospel Mission - they are ALWAYS needing women's shoes. And I'll take them jeans and t-shirts and things like that as well. Wait. Our feet shrink, right? Maybe I'll hang on to the shoes that are a little too tight. 😏

Menu today:

Breakfast - Protein Shake, blended with almond milk and ice

Snack - Protein Jello (Yum! 8 g protein, 52 cal)

Lunch - Either chicken or bone broth

Snack - miso soup, sugar free popsicle

Dinner - 4 oz halibut, 3-4 cups steamed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, bell pepper)

Snack - Protein Jello

Sleeve Minus 20 Days

It's really real now.  We had our last nutritionist appointment yesterday, and our surgery was scheduled for June 7th. 

That is just 20 days away!

I'm nervous and excited and thinking that the next 20 days are going to be both the longest days ever as well as flying past quicker than I could possibly imagine.

We have our pre-surgery class, that will be all about our post-surgery experiences and diet, on May 25.  Then our pre-op appointment on June 5.  Then on June 7th, it's going to happen.

Here is Nancy and I on Dec 30th, and then just yesterday.   Of course I had my face all pulled in, but I SWEAR that my double chin is much smaller now.  I'm just over 30 lbs down from where I was on Jan 1, and after the 2 week pre-op diet (starts on May 24th) I will probably be down at least another 15 lbs or so. 

Oh my GOSH, this is really going to happen!!!

I'm taking an entire month off, from June 7th through July 8.  Not only will that give me time to heal up and get used to eating in the new way, but I'll probably be quite a bit smaller when I go back to work than when I took off a month prior for medical leave. It will be interesting to see peoples' reactions.

I really need to get my clothes sorted BEFORE surgery.  I'm going to sort them by size, so I will know exactly what I have in each size.  I shouldn't have to buy new clothes for quite awhile, but it is going to be SO amazing when I HAVE to buy new clothes because everything I own is too large! 

That is the day I am so freaking excited to reach!

A 45 Year Merry-Go-Round Ride

And I want to get off that merry-go-round.  I WILL.

I found a diet journal that I kept in 1993 -25 years ago!  So many of the entries really hit me emotionally.  I kept it when Brian was a baby, before I got pregnant with Monica, and I had just joined TOPS.  My starting weight was 269 lbs. I kept the journal for a little over 6 months...lots of ups and downs, lots of over-eating. I was doing the low-fat diet then...lots of pasta, rice, Entemans fat free cakes, fat-free cream cheese, bagels, etc. I believed at the time that I was eating healthy, but I know now that the fat-free craze was actually orchestrated by the sugar industry. I ate a diet high in sugar, high in simple carbs and processed foods, but very low in fat - one of the unhealthiest ways to eat, we now know.  Still, I'd lost around 35 pounds by the last journal entry, in March 1994. I state in the journal that I had barely maintained for the last four months of that. Then I found out I was pregnant with Monica and quit going to TOPS.

  

One of the entries in particular really struck me.  25 years ago I wrote that I'd been locked in a prison of obesity for over 20 years.  I haven't escaped that prison yet. I've been in this prison for over 45 years.

But I am about to be freed, forever. 

I have my final nutritionist appointment in 11 days. Nancy and I will get our surgery date after that appointment, then I have the feeling that things are going to move fast. I'm getting a little bit nervous, but also very excited and optimistic that I will finally have that missing tool that will finally give me the ability to escape the prison of obesity.

I've been doing the pre-surgery diet again to get my head back in the game after the total lapse I had after losing Max, and then 11 days later, my Faith.  I'm back on track and should be well into the 260's by my appointment.  That will mean that I will have lost around 40 pounds since the beginning of the year.  By the surgery date, I'd like it to be 50 lbs down from when I first started this journey.

Where Do I Start?

It's been a real shitty couple of months. We found out that our Max had lymphoma on February 14th. He had four sessions of chemo; the last one really did him in. We lost him on April 14. We had him put to sleep as he had lost all his dignity (wore a diaper 24/7), becoming very uninterested in food and was having tremors almost constantly. At the vet's, he got a sedative shot first...and just as it started to affect him, he pulled himself up and touched his face to mine, looking directly into my eyes. I felt him saying "Goodbye" and "Thank you".  He then laid back down, in his daddy's arms and went to sleep forever. Sending him into eternity broke our hearts into a thousand pieces.

Our Faith was feeling poorly since just before Max was diagnosed. Her bark changed...from a deep throaty bark, to a yippy yap. She was cough-gagging. The first time we took her to the vet (not our regular vet) they felt she had kennel cough and sent us home. The second time, the vet thought she had pharyngitis, which would explain the voice change and her slight temperature and her moaning at night...he sent us home with antibiotics.  Remember, we were dealing with Max and his chemo at the same time. When Max passed, Faith was not getting any better. We thought she was grieving, as she and Max were soulmates, but it was getting so she could barely get up...I thought she'd lost the will to fight. We took her into the vet again and told him he had to do an endoscopy in case something was happening in her throat. He also did an xray. She had a big mass on her lung. He took some samples, sent us home with more antibiotics and said he was hoping it was pneumonia, which she could recover from, but the lab results would be more definitive.

That was on Monday, April 23. On Wednesday, April 25th, Ken went home for lunch and to check on her. I got a phone call at work and he was crying. She was gone. She'd laid down by the bookcase and just died.  I was in hysterics, and immediately left work, sobbing and screaming all the way home. When I got home, I laid next to her and stroked her and even did some chest compressions. She was gone. After we were over the worst of our crying we clipped some of her hair and took a footprint then Ken took her to the vet's to be cremated. I cried myself to sleep that night, then woke up at 2:30 am, unable to go back to sleep. Our babies were gone. Both were gone in 11 days. The day after she died, our vet called us. The results from the samples he had taken were back. She had an aggressive lung cancer. My baby girl had no chance of getting better. She had been dying for weeks.

I am still in shock and disbelief, thinking I'm going to wake up any minute from this horrible nightmare. I burst into tears at random times, and I've been soothing myself with crap food (chips, cake, dip, bread, pastries, etc.) since mid-April, when Max died.

So I've gone on the pre-op diet...2 shakes a day and one meal...plus broth and jello. I have GOT to detox from all the crap I've been stuffing in my pie-hole for over 3 weeks. I have my LAST appt with the nutritionist on May 17th, and I'll get my surgery date then.  I have GOT to make sure I keep my head in the right place.

I've talked to my therapist AND my psychiatrist (yep, I have both! I am DETERMINED to succeed!) about how I've been soothing myself...we talked about alternative soothing techniques.  ROCKS. It's pretty hard to eat when I'm painting.  Unless I'm waiting for paint to dry. So I guess I need to have several rocks going at the same time so I can just work on one while another one is drying. That is my go-to now when I'm needing some self-soothing. 

Rest in peace, my darlings. We will love you forever, and we''ll see you at the bridge.

There's No Crying in Baseball

THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!!!

By: Leilani (late OH member)

[Original draft written June 2004 - - Revised: April 2006]

That's the sentiment (scenario) that comes to mind sometimes when I hear some of the comments from people who've already had the surgery. In case you haven't made the connection, that's a line Tom Hanks made famous in the movie "A League Of Their Own." Resorting to tears or just giving up every time the going gets tough. Or your sick of taking vitamins, getting in protein is hard, water doesn't taste good, etc. That kinda' thinking is NOT going to make you successful or keep you healthy. ENOUGH already! It's time to LOVE yourself enough to get "TOUGH" wtih your aftercare. Your longterm health is worth it!!

Success comes with a backbone, NOT a wishbone!

First and foremost, you have to keep it POSITIVE. As with everything in life, if you think you can't - you WON'T! Simple enough?

I have to wonder when "we" (as adults) finally take ownership for our actions, our life and our health? We have been given a gift, a second chance to actually LIVE life again instead of merely existing on the sidelines. It's up to each of us to do that as healthy and productively as possible.

We're ALL statistics waiting to happen and the insurance companies are chomping at the bit. The bean counters are eager to drop Weight Loss Surgery ("WLS") from the policies; some already have. Don't you know that any negative feedback thrown into the mix only strengthens their cause? I may not be able to control every thing that happens to my body after WLS, but most things I can. I CHOOSE to take control and I will be a positive statistic when the numbers get counted.

We live in a spoiled society, expecting everything in life to come with a buncha really cool choices. Well, guess what? When it comes to your health, you're not always going to get a choice. You either DO IT and stay healthy, or you DON'T and your body pays the price.

The way I saw it, I had a 90 day healing and adjusting period after surgery. My 'super morbidly obese' body had more than enough stores to survive the learning curve. In turn, it gave me plenty of time to heal, adjust and learn. For those of you OVER 90 days Post-Op, the probation period is over - its time to get serious and LIVE what you've learned.

* You say you can't get in enough liquids throughout the day, don't like the taste of water, or just keep forgetting? -- TOUGH! It's not an option anymore. Find a way to do it, get suggestions and tips from others in support groups, message boards, etc. Read, learn and JUST DO IT!! Why do you think there is a choice here?

* You say you don't like the big horse pill type vitamins, or the tart chalky chewables? ... it's just too many to bother with? Or maybe you just can't remember to take them? -- TOUGH! You gave up the option NOT to take vitamins when you agreed to have your insides rerouted. FIND a way to get them in; crushed, minced, chopped, liquefied, in a shake, etc. No exceptions, your health depends on it.

* Protein is a must. So you can't get it all in via foods and you don't like the way the shakes taste? -- TOUGH! Either get it through your meals (and there are a gazillion food choices out there) or supplement it with protein shakes and bars.

Trust me, I don't drink my protein shake every morning because I think it tastes like a chocolate blizzard from Dairy Queen. I've tried many varieties over the last 2 years. I'd even venture to say 25 of the top sellers/flavors have crossed my lips. For the record? I've yet to find one that is as 'delicious' as boasted by the distributor. So what. I still drink one every morning. My HEALTH dictates that I need "X" grams of protein per day. If I'm not getting enough from my meals then I supplement a shake. 'Nuff said.

This surgery is a gift, I owe it to me and everyone else fighting the approval process, to do it right! I will continue to choke down my vitamins, my water and my protein every single day, for the REST OF MY LIFE. Some days will be easier than others, regardless, no days will be missed.

It's all about discipline. Create a routine, set a timer, develop a pattern, tie a string around your finger, glue a note on your forehead, whatever it takes.

You're an adult - take responsibility! 

If this surgery doesn't slap a back bone into you, not much will.

Pre-Surgery Therapy Should be in EVERYONE'S Tool-Box

I just can't say enough how much this therapy I'm getting is helping me.  I plan to continue it post-surgery as well, as I adapt to life as a normal-size person.  I see in the FB groups how difficult it is for some people...they get their stomachs redesigned, but do nothing about their thoughts, their beliefs, the way they react to stress.  People do NOT become morbidly obese without emotional issues that need to be addressed.

I've been sliding backwards with my eating...eating too much basically. Not really stuff that I have decided has no place in my diet (processed foods, bread, sweets), though I've had things I shouldn't a time or two. So to jump start myself back into the right mindset, I'm doing a week of "pre-op" diet. That means 2 or 3 protein shakes a day, plus broth and jello, then one meal a day that is 3-4 oz of protein and pretty much unlimited vegetables.  Yesterday was my first day and it went well, other than getting heartburn in the middle of the day.  I hadn't even eaten anything, but after some research I discovered that having an empty stomach can bring on heartburn.  Today I brought some broth and jello, plus I'll have a protein shake, then when I get home I'll have my cabbage casserole for dinner.  *edit*  No heartburn!  And the broth was sooooooo good and so satisfying I didn't even have my second protein shake.

It's now Day 3 of my pre-op diet kick-start. The first two days weren't nearly as bad as I thought they'd be and I'm still feeling really good about it.  The calories on Thursday were 675 and on Friday they were 713.  I'm going to try to stay closer to 650 or so for the rest of the 7 days...and I'm taking Metamucil every day, not just to help me not be hungry, but also to keep things moving. So far I'm down from 279.8 on Thursday morning to 274.2 this morning - about 5 and a half pounds!  Yeah, I know, it's mostly water, but I'll take it.  Can't wait to see where I am after 7 days of this.  Maybe I'll actually show a loss at my nutritionist appointment on Thursday! That is my 5th appointment, and on the 6th one they will be submitting to insurance and giving me a surgery date!  Oh my God, it's getting so close!  I'm going to plan on taking at least 3 weeks off when I have surgery...maybe more. I've got the leave, and I'll get on FMLA so my crazy manager can't do a damn thing about it.

I found some really good chicken bone broth...but I want to make my own. I need some chicken carcasses and chicken feet! Today I'm making buffalo bone broth.  It smells GOOD. Hope it tastes as good as it smells!

My foot is hurting some today.  I was hoping it would stay good and I'd be able to exercise tomorrow, but we'll see.  Right now, per my psychiatrist's suggestion, I'm exercising one day, then resting two...to make sure my feet don't get really bad again. Then when I can do that with no discomfort, to increase it to every other day. Tomorrow is my day to exercise, but if my foot is feeling like this, I dunno. I'm going to try to get at least 10 minutes in, but I'd really like to get at least 20 between the elliptical, the recumbent and the treadmill, as well as some core work.

Core work is SO important. As Wendy my chiropractor said, the FAT is what is stabilizing my spine and back and joints...and when the fat goes, so does the support.  That only makes sense, I see so many people in the groups have so many problems with their bones and joints after they lose a bunch of weight. It's almost counter-intuitive though, you would think that lightening the load on our bones and joints would only improve things. But is doesn't. So, that is what we're going to be working on the next couple of months, getting my core STRONG. When I'm not so broken down, I am going to pick up my kettle bells again...they are AMAZING for core strength!

Compulsive Overeating

Will I ever figure this out or will I be fighting it...or giving in to it...for the rest of my life? 

I ate another bag of dates Monday night...the whole bag.  Which is about 720 calories, 176 carbs and 160 g of sugar!  I KNOW that I didn't savor each date...tasting the flavor and sweetness...I just popped them in my mouth one after the other until the bag was gone.  And the "Just the Cheese" crackers.  They are in individual packages, but I would eat two or three at a sitting.  Those are 150 calories each, with 26g of fat.  I have also drank alcohol a few time...including an entire bottle from the time I got home from work to bed time...twice.

This is what compulsive overeating looks like to me...

I am always pissed at myself afterwards, then my inner voice starts berating me...calling me fat, stupid, undisciplined...telling me that I'm always going to be obese, that I don't have the willpower or the discipline to succeed. Then I feel defeated, depressed, hopeless. Until I can work up the mental fortitude to try again. Sometimes it takes days, weeks or months to do that. 

SO WHY DO I CONTINUE TO DO IT?

Why is food such a major part of my life that I'm obsessed with it...with eating as much as I can, whenever I can. Thinking about what I'm going to eat next...while I'm still eating!  It's my happiness, my soothing, my emotional release...I turn to it for everything...it's my comfort. 

This is definitely something I'm trying to work out with my therapist.  I need to practice the tools I'm learning...to pause and give thanks before I eat.  To think about why I'm eating it before I get started. To consider if I'm nurturing my body or my mind with what I'm about to consume.

Many people in the WLS forums claim that after their surgery that they pretty much lose their obsession with food...that they actually have to REMIND themselves to eat, and that they eat to live...rather than living to eat.  I have lived to eat for all of my life. From my very earliest memories, food was my comfort and obsession. I pray that I get there, that the surgery will be the missing piece to finally end my obsession and compulsion with food.